take me away

hello, goodbye

2011-11-30T00:23:00.000-08:00

for a while i've been considering starting a whole new blog where i can post stuff about things i've been doing these days - which includes wedding preps of course, though that's really just browsing wedding websites rather than actually getting things done. it's still 1 year and 22 days away anyway so there's absolutely no hurry. the problem with this current blog which i've used for 5 years now, is that the blogskin has quite a dark aura about it. i love it still, that's why i'm never gonna change it. but it doesn't seem to be the best place to post wedding inspirations on. instead, i want a brand new clean slate (literally) that's light and sunshine-y. :)

so this might likely be my last post here. i hate saying goodbyes, especially to things that helped keep me sane through the years. so yeah, christinesixteen is not over, over. :) there's no deleting this blog, so if you feel like reading old posts that might have tickled your fancy (fat chance!) or doing a random history check, then feel free to visit this blog. i'm sure i'll come back to this site when i want to take a quick trip down memory lane. or reference something i've written before.

ci vediamo! :)

edit: so it's december and i've decided to just start a new blog here in blogspot instead, cos it's so much easier! :) here's the link: http://joanechristia.blogspot.com/. watch out for my posts!

stay hungry, stay foolish

2011-10-06T04:03:00.000-07:00

I've never been too affected with famous people dying, save for Pope John Paul II, Cory Aquino, and now Steve Jobs. I keep telling Raymund how I found myself on the brink of crying one too many times today, learning that Steve Jobs had passed away, followed by "you don't understand..."

I'm not a big Apple fan. Apple was so big in the States, or at least in California - Palo Alto, to be exact, where I stayed when I was there, probably cos Steve Jobs lived there and that it's Silicon Valley. I only own one Apple gadget, and I bought it cos I needed a new phone at the time and had never owned an iPod, so the practical thing to do was to get myself an iPhone - the original iPhone. I didn't exactly keep up with the trend, i.e., upgrade to the newer iPhone what-have-you. I had an urge to buy a MacBook once, when my Dell laptop kept getting viruses, but was still a starving student then so I couldn't really spend my money on it. All I bought from Apple was my iPhone and 2 iPhone earphones. That's it. So why am I so sad about the fact that Steve Jobs is gone?

It was all because of that speech. I stumbled upon his Stanford commencement speech some years ago, before attending Stanford myself - I already knew then that I wanted to get my master's in the best university for environmental engineering (which coincidentally is Stanford), and upon watching the video, I was sure that pursuing that dream would be one of the best things I could do for myself. It wasn't because he gave that speech in Stanford, no. It was about something he said in those 15 minutes where he talked about 3 stories in his life. He taught me important things that would eventually keep ringing in my head.

1. Connecting the dots.

"You can't connect the dots looking forward. You can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well-worn path, and that would make all the difference."

I think a couple of posts ago, I wrote about how things just fell into place, it's amazing. A few years back, I still had "what if" questions in my head, particularly regarding my relationship with someone who I thought I wanted to be with. Before leaving the Philippines for the first time for a job abroad, I was thinking that had he asked me to stay, I probably would've considered it. He didn't, but he gave me one memorable trip before I left, where I spent the day in one of my favorite places in the Philippines, with my 3 closest guy friends. Eventually one friend who was with us in that trip told me that he was actually planning to ask me to stay. Anyway, we grew apart though I'm sure he's happy where he is, and I am too. In retrospect, I'm glad he didn't have the guts then to ask me that. Had I stayed, I wouldn't be able to save money for my master's, and be with the person I can't live without. I don't consider myself lucky, in the sense that I've always worked to get the things I want and they don't just happen to fall on my lap. But I guess in the grand scheme of things, I'm quite lucky after all.

2. Don't settle.

"You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do."

I wrote something like this in my personal statement for my Stanford application. I wrote something along the lines of knowing that the work I want to have for myself has got to be something I love to do, and I knew my passion was in water/environmental engineering, so pursuing graduate studies in that field was the way to go.

Back when I was working to save up for my master's, I already felt that it was just not sustainable for me to be working on stuff that I don't find fulfilling, and so I thought the way to get out of it was to further my studies so I can do what I want, that is, in my field of interest.

A few months ago, I was getting frustrated about finding a job, but Steve Jobs' words were firm in my head. "Don't settle." I even told Raymund, after interviewing with some companies that I didn't think would give me projects that I'd enjoy doing, "sabi ni Steve Jobs, don't settle eh". Luckily, I eventually got a job that I like. My title: Engineer - Water & Environment. Just what I used to dream of. And I'm glad I'm learning a lot - all these things I try to grasp would be handy when I go back to the Philippines to teach in my alma mater.

So there... thank you Steve Jobs for giving me these thoughts to live by. Who knew that with just that speech, you've helped me stirred my life in a far better direction than I imagined. You are a brilliant speaker, and an even more brilliant person. You're a revolutionary. I'm sure you are at peace.

second spring

2011-09-25T02:01:00.000-07:00

this is the second time i'm experiencing spring this year. if you're wondering how that is - it's cos i'm in the southern hemisphere now. :D since last year, it seems that this is the first time the constant cold has left me. this time last year, i was in the US, trying not to bail on aquatic chemistry (i didn't have a good chemistry background since i took civil engineering in undergrad... it turned out pretty okay though since i was one of the 2 who got the highest score on our midterm exam, a 98% - i was so proud i've kept that blue book... sorry for that bit of cockiness :p). so yeah, it was fall then, then came winter and spring... then i came back home to the philippines and it was raining all the time. when we got here in australia, it was still winter. now it's getting warmer and we don't need jackets anymore.

we're settling in okay, everything's been pretty convenient - market/grocery, church, gym, even work. i don't take the bus except when going to the city. which is good cos that meant less carbon footprint for me. :)

i read something the other day, some tips on being happy. one of them is to be happy in the present. i kind of needed to be reminded of that, well sort of - cos i'm one of those people who delight in waiting (i have an old post about this). i used to always think of things that would make me happy, something i can strive to achieve in the future - and it seems that my head is always there, in the future. but now, having completed my masters, something i only used to dream about, and having a job as a water engineer, give me some sense of contentment. i often tell raymund that i'm happy where we are - i got my MS, which paved the way for lots of opportunities, i got a job that i love and learn a lot from, i'm getting better at spin class and body pump (hehe), and we're not miles apart anymore. i guess one can always come up with a list of things missing in his life, but i prefer to be just grateful for what i have now. everything else would fall into place anyway. :)

i guess if there's one thing i'll be looking forward to, it's the wedding. one of my best friends got married recently and i missed it. i was so excited for her but sad at the same time that i couldn't be there to witness it. i was supposed to be one of her bridesmaids... anyway, she told me that when she finally tried on her wedding gown, she was so overwhelmed. i told her i knew the feeling. sometime after i got engaged, i went to a bridal shop to ask for a quotation for my dress. i tried on a sample wedding dress, a huge ball gown - and the feeling was just magical. i felt pretty even though it wasn't really my kind of gown. and i learned that day that if you opt for a dress like that, it's gonna be incredibly heavy, with all the cloth and petticoats underneath. anyway, i'm trying not to expect too much, and not to be too particular with details. the last thing i want is to be stressed or disappointed. though i'm sure at the wedding day itself, every flaw would be overshadowed by how lovely and momentous that occasion is. i can't wait! :)

anyway, here's a picture of a happy/sleepy-looking me with the story bridge and brisbane CBD for my backdrop. :) enjoy the sun!

i'm back

2011-07-22T01:53:00.000-07:00

Hello! I thought I'd stop writing here. I used to do that to get some stuff off my chest, or when I'm lonely and bored, or when I had too much time to contemplate. Ever since I finished school, I have more time to actually do something fun, travel, read recipe books and magazines, watch movies, work out. I'm back in my happy place, with my family, and Raymund, and I thought I won't have to time to write anymore (since it's easier to post pictures in my Snapshots Lately album to 'tell a story').

It's funny how eventually you'd realize how things fall into place, even when just a few months ago, you didn't have the slightest idea that this is how things are gonna turn out. So let me tell you how things turned out:

1. I got my MS at Stanford, yay!
2. I chose not to apply for my OPT in the US and it happened to be the right decision cos I'm moving to Australia in a week's time maybe.
3. I got engaged.
4. I finally gave in and signed up in a gym so I could at least do some physical activity and build up my endurance.
5. We're planning our wedding and it's fun.
6. So far, we've booked the church, reception & photographer.
7. I just had my gown sketched and I love it.
8. I keep playing songs we're going to use for our slideshow and onsite video at the wedding and it makes me giddy. :)

I wanted to share our wedding details but I'd have to stop myself and just share them with my closest friends. For now, this is all I'm sharing:

The song that Raymund surprised me with on his 2nd attempt at proposing. 8) I've always loved this song and actually dreamt somebody would sing it to me. He played (i.e., guitar + vocals) another song but we're using that for our wedding's onsite vid next year! ;)

That's my life lately. And I just feel so blessed and thankful for everything. :) AMDG.

everlong

2011-05-06T23:07:00.000-07:00

I only used to do countdowns for my birthday, but getting a year older is not that thrilling when you're past 25. Anyhoo, now I find myself counting down the days for my trip back home. Just a month and a week to go! It's a little tricky with the different time zones so I'll just say it's about 40-ish days til I go home and don a dress for the wedding (not mine!).

I get so excited sometimes, the kind that makes you jittery, it's hard to focus. Like now for instance: I was preparing my slides just a while ago then this happy thought of going back home (or wherever), going back to a normal life, i.e., not alone, suddenly made me update my blog. :p

So... this song's kinda stuck in my head. And these lines actually give me knots in my stomach (I decided to just post them here, which only a few people read, cos I hate sounding emo in FB):

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

*Sigh* Can't wait!

:)

2011-04-30T09:07:00.000-07:00

Despite a not-so-good midterm, I can still say yesterday was one of the best days I've had here. Nerds' night out was so much fun!

Learned a lot of crap from this game... Only nerds would still think and argue why a crap is what it is. :P

4 more Fridays to go! So excited to spend more time with the gals. Disney princesses movie marathon, yay (so psyched)!! :)

Now about the prince...

I found a boy who had a dream
Making everyone smile
He was sunshine
I fell over my feet
Like bricks under water

Seriously, the boy has a contagious smile. :)))

Okay, now prepping up for hell week... but still grinning. :)

friday blues 2

2011-04-15T21:21:00.001-07:00

gad, this is the 2nd time i'm using that title. my classmates are having a game night but i had some stuff to do and my parents would be online tonight. there's no skype dinner though boo. :( i only had takeout from subway, tuna for friday. sigh, i miss subway at keypoint. why am i feeling terribly homesick again?

i'm missing singapore so bad. while i was folding my clothes this evening (what better way to spend friday than folding your clothes, right?) i suddenly just started tearing up and checked out my old post in my multiply - it was about my 1st anniversary in singapore, and my plan of studying here. seemed like such a long time ago but it's only been 2 years. i was still excited to pursue MS, and now i can't wait to be done with it. i know it's not in keeping with the famous motto 'carpe diem' but that's what i feel and i know i need to snap out of this funk. after all, i only have exactly 2 months left in california!

i haven't prayed fervently for a particular thing in a long while, particular being something that's a long shot. i think i've gotten pretty much everything i've prayed for then i've stopped asking for special things. i guess i should start asking for *it* so that it happens. again, i'll ignore statistics (i never liked that course anyway) and just wish that even if there's a one in a hundred chance, that i get that 0.01, and 0.99 won't matter.

i remember my friend saying the difference with school and work is that at work, once you leave the workplace, it's all play. with school, you're still working til you sleep. that's not necessarily the case (especially if you leave the workplace at 10pm and just go straight to bed after) but for the most part it's true. i'm excited to work again, to shop and fill my apartment with ikea stuff, and NOT be alone. can't wait to have nice dinners and watch movies on fridays again. i really wish i get to have *it* by july.

that's all. just like in my previous friday blues post, i'll end this saying that i'm off to watch 30 rock. sigh i miss tv series marathons. later!

clouds

2011-04-08T21:26:00.000-07:00

what a gorgeous day...

it would have been perfect if i saw him today, but that's too much to ask. the clouds would do for now.

when i was a kid, i really thought people live on clouds - that's after watching jack and the beanstalk. i used to daydream about how i could get there and meet princess melody. then school happened, and science taught us clouds are just a mass of water droplets and couldn't support castles.

sigh... i'm gonna miss this place.

church songs

2011-04-04T23:58:00.001-07:00

One of the earliest memories I have of me singing church songs as a kid was when my aunt caught me singing Ave Maria with much gusto. I was 7 then. She said I had a nice voice, but I could sense her sarcasm. I've always wanted to be part of a choir but never had the guts to join. The closest I ever got to being in one was when I joined our college org's choir in a singing competition during Eng'g Week. We won in one of the 2 years I joined. The happiest feeling I had then was when our conductor/coach (who had a temper) congratulated me for catching up with the group and singing the notes correctly even when I only got to practice for 3 days before the competition (I was sick in the weeks prior). That's not to say of course that I have a great voice. It's just easier when all you sing is 'dum, dum, dum' in varying notes or something like that. :p

For about 2 years in college, I used to go to doctrine class and benediction regularly. That's when I learned to love singing songs in Latin. When I came to the US, Spanish church songs are common, so I started to like singing them as well. I can't speak Spanish (save for a few common phrases), but I do understand it a little, as some words are similar to my native language. I remember trying to translate Spanish words in English based on Filipino words, and being amused with myself when it's close to the actual English translation. Though Spanish isn't on the top of my list for foreign languages I want to learn, I do wish the government (or whoever) didn't remove it from our college curriculum (my parents' generation used to be required to take Spanish in school, if I'm not mistaken).

Anyway, to cut this post short, I just want to share this song that I can't get out of my head since yesterday. The 4:30 mass choir in Stanford is just amazing. I love their version of Oh Dios Crea En Mi, and their rendition of this song below is way better (I may sound biased but it's true!). If I heard this song somewhere else, I probably wouldn't remember it, but the choir here has its way of making church songs memorable. So props to them! :) I shall take a picture of them one of these days. ;)

1 week down, stop being sentimental

2011-04-01T21:20:00.001-07:00

i'm waiting for my mom to go online. she used to console me that i only have a few months left in school and i'll be back home again. i wasn't sure what to feel, whether to be actually happy about it. i know i'm excited to go home but at the same time, i'm also sad to leave. the clock is ticking. one week down, 9 weeks til graduation (i think!). as i've mentioned before, i still don't know where i'll be after grad - there are lots of possibilities, and i know if i'd have to come back here, i won't feel so bad about leaving in june, but i'll also be terribly homesick again. well, you can't have them all.

i saw thornton center on my way to the bookstore from Y2E2 this afternoon. i can still vividly remember the first day of CEE 270, going to that building without a map (forgot to bring it), calling a friend to ask for directions, sitting next to our TA who at first i thought was our classmate (good call not to ask him what other classes he's taking) and waiting for the rest of my classmates to show up (turns out, that was one of the rare occasions i was early in class). i remember the last day of that class too, i had a lump in my throat when our professor said his sort of farewell message... that's the only class where i see lots of people cos almost everyone in our program took it, so it was kind of sad knowing that it had ended.

being a sentimental junkie has its drawbacks. i have lots of stuff i can't bare to throw away, only to forget years later the reason i kept them. anyway... i have nine more weeks, and i know it's gonna go by in a blink. maybe that's why i'm writing more often now, it's like keeping a diary or writing a memoir.

it's too warm these days. i know i'll only get darker so i really have to start wearing sunblock. i can't be the same color as my dress at the wedding (i think it's brown or burgundy). i'm excited, i'd have longer hair by then and i can curl it, like i sometimes do on special occasions. i wonder how it'd feel to be a bridesmaid in a grand wedding (i'm pretty sure mine isn't going to be as 'engrande', i just want a fairly small solemn wedding with my family and closest friends - that's if i do get married). anyway... i'm just excited to be going home, maybe have wine with my friends (a new activity i've become fond of ever since our trip to napa valley) and chat under the stars. 8)

but i'd have to stop myself from being too excited so i can actually enjoy my last 2 months in stanford. i miss the cold weather, walking to class on a foggy morning and going home bundled up in a thick jacket and a scarf. i didn't expect it would be this warm too soon. i still haven't worn my fave boots that much. had a chance to wear them on a night out at napa though (my friends were expecting single men at the resto but the only guy who was 'hitting' on us was a middle-aged man from dallas!) but i hope i'd still get a chance to wear them more. now it's become so warm i'm itching to wear shorts. i hope someone can go shopping with me so i can update my wardrobe but some of my friends are going kayaking tomorrow - something i'd never enjoy until i learn to swim. :( i miss having guy friends that i can just ask to go with me anywhere. oh well.

okay, time to stop blogging and start rewriting notes (i know i'm such a nerd when FBDs and physics make me giddy, but i know i'm still normal when i cringe from looking at PDEs and ODEs). or read articles for my other classes. happy april fool's day stranger. :)

run

2011-03-29T22:14:00.000-07:00

Reading Haruki Murakami's "What I Talk About When I Talk About Running" while on a short getaway at The Farm at San Benito.

"Somerset Maugham once wrote that in each shave lies a philosophy. I couldn’t agree more. No matter how mundane some action might appear, keep at it long enough and it becomes a contemplative, even meditative act."

I used to run with my blockmates around Acad Oval at UP back in college. I'm not really a runner - I don't run marathons - but I like running. It clears my head, as I often say.

These are where I've run in the last three years.

Pasir Ris Park

Queenstown Stadium

By the Kallang River (The Concourse to Esplanade)

Along East Coast Park

Stanford Track

"I know we'll make it anywhere, away from here." - Run, Snow Patrol

big gesture

2011-03-25T21:19:00.000-07:00

Of course, you are incapable of doing things like that. I'm not surprised, I've known you for too long.

I'm glad you admitted that you weren't ready. I'm not either. But I would be if you are. But you still have a long way to go. And I'm not sure if I'll still be there by then.

I know, we're just like old friends
We just can't pretend
That lovers make amends
We are reasons so unreal
We can't help but feel
That something has been lost

But please
You know you're just like me
Next time I promise we'll be perfect

...if there ever is a next time.

spring break

2011-03-19T14:01:00.000-07:00

it's the first day of doing nothing. i woke up at past 12 noon, but that's still not good enough cos i slept at around 4am. this would only last a week, then it's back to the grind.

the quarter has been tough for me. i took 16 units, like i did in fall. i thought i'd have it easier than last time but the classes were a tad more difficult. plus i had a lot going on. i'd have to remind myself that there'll always be 'contingencies', though it's not like i can really prepare for them anyway.

it's funny how i never had the time to talk to a psychiatrist (which a lot of people had suggested me to do), but i write more often in this blog now. i used to post only once a month... then my insomnia happened, and some emotional baggage that comes with living alone. i find it crazy sometimes, how i just start tearing up while trying to study at that depressing spot in green lib. i'm in my own cubicle and no one could see me so i guess it's okay. but still! i just know i used to be NOT like that. and no, it's never about academics. i've convinced myself not to worry about grades, but only about whether i'm actually learning. but i'd be so happy if i get all A's. not gonna happen. so i'd rephrase that and say that i'd be ecstatic if i don't get a B+ or below. sorry, i don't mean to talk about grades. moving on...

i kind of want to go to LA and visit my aunt. but i knew i won't be able to wake up at 5am and go on a 5 or 6-hr drive down south with amanda (especially since i fell asleep at 4am, i could actually hear people leaving their apartments, probably on their way to the airport). my aunt was the one who helped me get settled here. she bought me a lot of stuff - kitchenwares, bed sheets, etc, etc. she took care of me for the 1st 2 weeks i've been in the US. she's my godmother, a very generous person. she bought me my 1st polly pocket when i was a kid. people close to me would know how my aunts are a very big part of my life. i won't even start on how lucky i am (and my cousins) to have them cos that would just make me tear up even more. i'm sad right now because of some stuff going on with her but i can't really share it here (i don't really know who reads my posts except for the few friends who know about this blog ever since i put it up years ago). all i want is for me to have a chance to be the one to provide them a comfortable life this time. too bad i still have a quarter left and i can't start working just yet.

contingencies - that seems to be the word for the day today. i wrote in an essay before, how i kind of knew even when i was younger, what i wanted to do with my life. it hasn't changed very much. i'd still want to do engineering (i'm already an engineer!), i'd still want to get married and be a mom. i remember asking my college crush what age he wants to get married (not to me of course, just a random question!) and he said 23. he's turning 27 and he's still not married. he's not even in a relationship. everytime we see each other (which is like once a year) i remind him that. he's not waiting for me is he (i'm kidding!)? anyway, my point is, circumstances change, and so do people (as i've said before). i thought it would be nice to get married at 26, to work only for 5 years then settle down and be a housewife. :P i'm already 26 and still not engaged. a lot of people around me, even classmates that are younger than me, already are. but i'm okay with it. right now, with the things going on around me, i don't even know where i'll be after grad or if i'll get married next year or the year after that. i definitely won't propose to anyone, that's for sure! people ask me if i'll be staying here in the US. not too sure about that, or if i want to. i had a long talk with my aunt last night and i guess i know where i should be, and try hard to get there. so the plans i have for myself would have to take a back seat.

deep breath. someone told me to take deep breaths and let it take toxins out with it. it's helped me a lot, in calming myself down and keeping myself from hyperventilating or having anxiety attacks. :D some friends think i'm quite calm for a person taking a full load. i can't really say. i kind of caused my parents to worry a lot about me this quarter and that's not good. anyway, glad that's over. what i learned from it is that, just as in running, breathing techniques help with one's endurance.

now, spring break! stuff to do: evaluate courses, clean my apartment, run a lot, take pictures, cook healthy dishes, catch up on my reading, and enjoy napa!

oh yeah, i'm back to reading murakami again: hard-boiled wonderland and the end of the world. timely, huh?

sami and porcupine

2011-03-16T17:01:00.000-07:00

I miss my cousins Sam and Nathan. I love looking at these photos, taken a few Christmases ago.

They were so cute. They're growing too fast and I feel sad that I only see them occasionally. Sigh. 3 more months and I'm going home! For now, 3 more exams left and Friday I'll be one happy clam... hopefully frolicking on the beach!

dear crazy #3

2011-03-12T21:09:00.000-08:00

i haven't written you a letter in a while. i'm glad you saw me online in gmail. i've never been so happy to hear that you're okay. i know it's heartbreaking, the things that happened before your eyes. i've seen the pictures, and they tug at my heartstrings. you've probably cried more than i did.

earthquakes. did you ever think you'd study earthquake engineering when you were a kid? i can't remember what your childhood dream was, or if we ever talked about it, but i guess even when we were still in UP you probably didn't think you'd end up with a doctorate in that field. i'm scared of earthquakes, they bring back bad memories of me being worried sick about my mom. july 16, how could i forget... i was 5. i've always associated something apocalyptic with that date. it's my grade school's foundation day, the feast day of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel. although i know that that earthquake doesn't compare to what you experienced in japan a couple of days ago.

i hope you'll get some rest crazy, i know it's hard to sleep when you're anxious all the time. but try not to be. daniel told me this just a few weeks back when we were talking about my insomnia and i hope it would be helpful to you too: "leave your anxiety on the foot of Our Lord's cross and entrust the future to Him, somebody told me that once during extremely uncertain times". there, i copy-pasted it from gmail. :D JAPAN - just always pray at night - remember? it sounds funny now, i don't know if you used to write that acronym in slambooks when you were younger. i wrote that when i got nothing to say, along with HOLLAND, ITALY and other cheesy stuff. but i digress... i'd say pray not just at night, but anytime you feel like talking to someone about your 'joys and tribulations'.

crazy, i just remembered that one time we went to church together. ash wednesday some years ago. i was so happy that you joined me, and even happier that you liked the homily. keep the faith. let's pray hard for japan to recover. and that nothing bad happens to the philippines too. sometimes it sucks to be in the pacific ring of fire. but there are trade-offs as always.

i know you love japan dearly, and i love it too. i love a lot of things japanese. i have fond memories from grade school - getting home and finding a bunch of sanrio stickers from my grandaunt in japan. i'm fascinated by its history, japanese food which i often crave, murakami, and the warm japanese people i've met. i wonder how they are now. but i guess most of what i like about it are superficial (save for the few people i made friends with)... i know you have a lot more to love about it since you've been there for more than 3 years now. you are turning more japanese each day. :)

hang tough crazy. japan needs earthquake engineers like you. i'll be in the background praying for you, as always. we'll still have our dream cafe ok! ;)

ps: i just remembered a line from a song as i was walking home, and i thought since i couldn't say it earlier before i logged out, i'd say it now...
"and if i don't make it known that i loved you all along, just like sunny days that we ignored..." so just thought i'd let you know. heehee. :) tc!

best,
crazy

landslide

2011-03-10T22:31:00.000-08:00

the saddest song don't ya think?

i decided to treat myself to watching glee tonight while doing my laundry. and that scene with holly, brittany and santana just moved me to tears, as it usually did whenever i hear this song. i love the smashing pumpkins version, btw. but glee did a pretty awesome cover too.

i went to confession a few days ago and had one of the most enlightening talks i've had in a long time. i'd say it's probably better than talking to a psychiatrist, but i've never been to one, so i can't really tell. but i've always found talking to priests sort of uplifting.

remember how i often say we are where we're needed most? i guess that's making more sense to me now. i kind of forgot how to be happy where i am - at present, while being engrossed about planning or being excited for the future, and i guess i have to work on that more.

that said, maybe i should stop listening to this kind of songs and switch to cheery tunes for a change. hmm...

well i've been afraid of changing... :p

virtual post-it

2011-03-07T23:15:00.000-08:00

Just thought of posting a very short entry, just to make me remember certain things.

Market - while I was doing my part of the Ciathure report (one of the options involved adding a public tap to the market), I suddenly remembered Elias Market in Pasir Ris. I loved going there, cos they have mostly everything... that was before we discovered Sheng Siong.

Being in a different part of the world somehow makes me forget these simple routine stuff I used to do.

I sort of want to go back but I can't. I wonder if going back would make me sad instead of happy. Memories are traitors they say. I can picture myself going back to East Coast Park, jogging by the beach with music blasting through my earphones. I can picture myself being sad about why I even left... But hopefully not.

I'd always love to go grocery shopping with you, cook dinner, watch a movie, spend lazy nights at the beach, sit on the breakwater, and wake up early just to go there again. I hope I don't forget.

sleepless nights + gloomy weather = bad

2011-02-17T16:41:00.000-08:00

i feel like a zombie these days. i've been having trouble sleeping for about 2 or 3 weeks now i think. it started with a creepy dream. i won't elaborate cos saying it out loud or writing about it kind of gives me the heebie jeebies. :-s anyway, i've had horrible, horrible nightmares (is that way too redundant?). when i told other people about my dreams, they found it too creepy too. imagine having to wake up with a vivid memory of it. it reminds me of lois lowry's 'the giver' and how he had to endure memories, feelings or knowledge of terrible things. anyway... i think i have an ESP or something. okay, let me rephrase that to make it sound less silly: i think i often encounter coincidences between things happening in my head and things happening in real life. like my dreams for instance... i remember at least 3 creepy dreams that sort of happened days after i had them or at the same time i had the dream. i remember telling my mom how scared i was about this one dream i had, and when i went home to the philippines last Christmas, she said that she was actually creeped out when i told her about it cos it was exactly what was happening at the time, and she didn't want to tell me cos i was living alone by myself and she didn't want to scare me.

okay, enough with the scary part. now, about lack of sleep. it sucks that it was at a very "inopportune" time that this whole insomnia thing had to happen to me, cos it was during our midterms. people who probably have never suffered insomnia think that getting yourself worn out can make you pass out, and i know they mean well when they suggest things for me to do. i've done all of those, but i think (or rather, i know) for me, it's more psychological, like being anxious about not getting enough sleep, that in the end makes me lose more sleep. i missed a couple of morning classes and now i had to ask for help from our TA even though i prefer not to. i don't like having to waste people's time especially if they apparently don't have a lot of it.

anyway. lying in bed for 3 to 4 hours before getting a shut-eye makes me think of a lot of things, like my parents and how life was before i came here. i miss my family so much that it sometimes makes me break down (plus the fact that i get frustrated about not being able to sleep even when i'm already dead tired). i miss my mom. the first time i had been 'permanently' away from my mom, i cried buckets. i slept in the same room as my mom until i was 23, believe it or not. :D it surprises other people how i was able to live 'independently' in singapore when i had been sort of sheltered the whole time. even my dad thought i couldn't pull it through. but of course, raymund played a big role in helping me 'grow up'. i miss my dad too, and raymund, how they used to tuck me to sleep and brush my hair until i doze off, and now i only have myself. :(

i know there's a trade off in everything. and i always believe in the saying 'omnia in bonum' - all things for the good. i also believe that we are where we're needed most, though maybe at this time i don't know yet how that is for me (okay, don't cringe i know this is sounding a bit emo now). but i'm thankful for everything. being alone makes me realize a lot of things i would otherwise have overlooked from being too complacent. i didn't know how happy i was in singapore until i see things that remind me of it, simple things like fish & co and pearly soya milk and the beach. but everyone has to step out of his comfort zone once in a while. it's all part of the grand scheme of things, so they say.

it's so gloomy outside. normally i would enjoy this weather (think happy memories of grade school, when it's raining hard and classes were cancelled), with a hot chocolate and a good book in hand. but i have a lot of things to do. it didn't help that i realized after submitting my midterm today that i kind of screwed up something in my calcs - and this was for my favorite class ever, even though i know how to solve the problem perfectly well. that made me really feel awful and now the weather matched my mood. my parents would always tell me not to put too much pressure on myself but sometimes i can't help it. i know i should be satisfied just by the fact that i learned something even if it doesn't necessarily translate to high grades, as my parents would say, but i still get frustrated and i kind of need some time to snap out of it. i told my friend i wanted to stuff myself with fries even though i'd feel horrible afterwards. i'm glad i didn't, i have enough will power after all. eating fries is really not worth it. it's like a sin that would haunt you until you go to confession. :P

i'm off to a happy place later (well at least for my friend it is a happy place) - starbucks, to get some work done. we all have to cope, right? :D now i'm doing my laundry cos it's kind of therapeutic for me, and will just cook myself some bacon and eggs (breakfast for dinner!) to cheer me up. :)

v day

2011-02-11T21:32:00.000-08:00

it's valentine's day weekend. there's a party nearby but i didn't feel like going. neither did my friends but they felt the need to be social so they still went, half-heartedly i guess.

i feel like i should be depressed right now but (luckily?) i don't have the time to sulk. i'm so overwhelmed with work. it's funny how valentine's day always coincides with midterms (even when i was still in UP! and that's when there's a week-long fair/concert so imagine how hard it was to have fun!). maybe it's consoling for people who don't have dates. so does that mean it's consoling for me now since i don't have anyone to go on a date with?

i wanted to buy the yellow and blue flowers i saw at whole foods. they're so pretty. i'm still the same person who gets embarrassed when she gets flowers on v-day but when i was doing my grocery shopping earlier (yep, doing it on a friday night is a smart idea!) i just felt the urge to buy. it's kind of pathetic i agree. :D i suddenly miss my guy friends, those that bought me flowers at least (ok sure, even the other ones who didn't). :P

speaking of guy friends, my roommate's guy friend is planning to surprise her with flowers on monday (i hope my roommate doesn't read this). he's contacted me about it already, how sweet! i guess he's on his way to being a 'boyfriend' then. hmm...

i'm thinking of somebody right now and i just have this song in my head that i sort of dedicate to him. at least a few lines in the song... :P

i was terrified and would you mind if i
sat next to you and watched you smile
so many kids but i only see you
and i don't think you notice me
(fall out boy, pretty in punk)

having a crush is a fun distraction. i sort of have one, on a guy who's like serious all the time (he's the one i'm referring to when i candidly posted something on FB about a guy who's seryoso pero gwapo) but when he smiles , it leaves a grin on my face and i just can't help myself from saying a silent 'aaaw' in my head. :) too bad i couldn't do anything about it but daydream and smile like silly (which a couple of friends have already caught me doing!) and i don't think i'd like things to get complicated.

oh well... :)

now to get busy and forget all the mushiness of february...

And so it takes its toll

2011-01-29T12:10:00.000-08:00

How ironic is celebrating 10 years then realizing a week later that it can't go on. Sorry for the drama. I only have this blog to write to, or on. Whatever.

Attachment is something that's really hard to shake off. I know it's more than that.

I keep my word, and I hardly quit ever, but I do get tired. But sure I'll hang around. Siempre.

"You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand", as the song goes. So let's not let that go. But you could be happy you know. Hope I'd be too.

I have homeworks. :( Gotta go.

PS: I know it sucks... we'll get through it if you want to. I want to.

take a glorious bite out of the whole world

2010-11-23T23:00:00.000-08:00

This song just really hits close to home. :(

Friday Blues

2010-11-19T17:54:00.000-08:00

I used to be really happy on Fridays. Popeye's. Pastamania. Fish & Co. East Coast Park. Random Japanese resto. Rented movies and pizza deliveries. I perfectly understood the beauty of the expression TGIF.

I wish I can also say that right now. Instead, I spend my Fridays going online, eating noodles (my current comfort food), and watching tv series. The first time I ever went out of campus on a Friday night was last week (see photo below). I'm seriously grateful to have friends to go out with. That obviously doesn't happen often. And on weeks that I'm alone, I try to remind myself why I'm here in the first place. Or how happy I was when I received my acceptance letter from my current school.

So yeah, if you haven't heard from me for the longest time and have no idea where I am, I'm in the US, trying to chase my dream. I've always wanted to pursue MS, eventually go back home, teach for a living, and inspire others to work in the field I'm in. Oh, let's not forget the quaint little cafe that I plan to co-own with my crazy friend. I know this won't happen in the next 3 (or maybe even 5) years, but I'm already itching to reach that end.

They say a lot of things can happen in a short span of time. I'm not a big fan of changes but I kind of promised to go out of my comfort zone if a big opportunity comes along. And an opportunity to study abroad, in THE best school for environmental engineering (at least according to this), was one that I can't pass up. I must admit, amid the stress of being alone in a foreign country and from trying to digest all the lessons taught in the 5 classes I'm taking this quarter, there were times when I've asked myself why I ever decided to go back to school. I know the answer to that of course. But I need reminders every once in a while.

Another thing that's been ringing in my head lately is this quote from one of my favorite authors, F. Scott Fitzgerald (The Beautiful and Damned):

"Things are sweeter when they're lost. I know - because once I wanted something and got it. It was the only thing I ever wanted badly, Dot. And when I got it, it turned to dust in my hands... I've often thought that if I hadn't got what I wanted, things might have been different with me. I might have found something in my mind and enjoyed putting it in circulation. I might have been content with the work of it, and had some sweet vanity out of the success. I suppose that at one time I could have had anything I wanted, within reason, but that was the only thing I ever wanted with any fervor. And that taught me you can't have anything, you can't have anything at all."

I don't really intend on elaborating why this quote's been in my head for quite a while now, because I probably don't have a clear answer to that to begin with. But I guess it has something to do with actually having achieved things and realizing that "it's like a sunbeam" (I'll leave that to you to figure out - you should read the book or at least the following lines in that excerpt to understand! :D) vs. the planning process on how one tries to achieve them. I might be in a confused (i.e., second-guessing) state brought about by my own defense mechanism. Most people I know here have already had their breakdowns and I guess this was my version of it. But I'm pretty sure my dreams haven't changed (and I'm not just talking about school and career), and from when I last checked, I'm still on track.

Anyway, so now you know how one of my Fridays in grad school was spent - blogging. I look forward to better Fridays, with a night out on the town, eating Japanese food, sipping hot chocolate, movies and popcorn... I could go on forever.

Until then I have to motivate myself to study for the finals, eeeep! Maybe after watching a few episodes of 30 Rock while eating dirty chips and noodles (read: my Friday dinner). :)

the recap

2010-07-28T23:12:00.001-07:00

So it's July now. It wasn't that hard after all - parting. Mostly because I know it's only for a short while. I'm back home now but I'll be boarding a plane back to Singapore again soon, like tomorrow! Yay! I've never been this excited to go there until now. I'm back to being a tourist this time. I hope the 12 days I'll be spending there would make me so sick of Singapore to last me years, since when I leave on the 10th of August, it'll already be for good.

Days went by swiftly as they often did. I'm not so sure whether to be glad about it. I've been too busy finishing up a report and basically preparing everything for my resignation. Those hardly gave me any time to be nostalgic. That might be a good thing because I wouldn't really want to cry about leaving, or not since it made me look past the wonderful experiences I've had there.

Lest I forget what transpired in the last few months when I was too lazy or busy to write, here's my little recap to keep this blog updated.

World Cup

I didn't really follow the matches as much as I did 4 years ago. Of course I watched Italy, 2 of their 3 matches at least. This game can really be heartbreaking, especially with Italy's early exit. I only got to see Pirlo play in the latter part of the 2nd half. Buffon must have felt really bad about not being able to play at all. Oh well. I was sort of consoled by the fact that Italy didn't really play well, hence they're not really deserving to go into the next round, so just let it go (said my alter ego). Tough luck for Italy fans like me though. I wasn't that enthusiastic about the World Cup after that (and neither on having an Italia jacket).

But it would be a shame not to watch the World Cup, which only comes by once in 4 years. So which country to root for now? Spain of course. I've always had a soft spot for our colonizers, regardless of how contrabida they had been portrayed in our history books. :D I remember having this conversation with a colleague before about the Philippines and a bit on its history, and I muttered "Thank God for Spanish colonization" after something he said (if you should know, it's about the Philippines being the only predominantly Christian country in Asia). That's why even before the World Cup, I already bought these cute knick-knacks - Italy & Spain mini-jerseys! Can you see it hanging on the TV? :D

I watched the final match at 2:30 in the morning, slept for 2 hours and headed off to work since we have this report to finish. I was on a high knowing that Spain emerged victorious, but not as happy as when Italy won the 2006 World Cup which I had been so pensive to write about here. Anyway, the fun had to be cut short since our report wasn't done yet and only 2 people were capable of finishing it - one of those 2 was me, unfortunately. Since that's obviously not a very good topic to dwell on, I'm cutting this story short too as I certainly wouldn't want to relive the frustrations at work following the World Cup. :D

Last Day at Work

July 16 was my last day at work (albeit not my official last day in PB). I cried a little on the eve of that. There's just so much that I would miss. I couldn't imagine how it'd feel like not to go to work anymore (but I'm quite enjoying that now). There was a flood of memories surging in my head, like I mentioned before, memories of when I first met my colleagues. My throat was already aching before lunch, that's what happens when I'm on the brink of crying. My colleagues had arranged the customary farewell lunch for me. I was a bit relieved that I didn't cry during my 'speech'.

I remember a couple of friends telling me some years ago that it seemed like I've always been thrust into the 'ideal world' where people are nice. When I was in 1st grade, my mom asked the school to put me under a kind adviser especially since I cried a lot in kindergarten. Ever since then I felt that I've always been in the company of good people, in this instance, the PB water team. Everyone's just so nice, which is even more obvious if you happen to compare it with other divisions. :D Don't get me wrong though, I'm not saying people from other divisions are not exactly nice. It just feels like everyone in the water team is family. And so, I'm very grateful. :) There's a comfort in knowing that it won't be the last time I'll be seeing them. I'm already excited to catch up with everyone when I get back. :)

Last Day in Singapore (Part 1)

As I mentioned to Raymund before, it was just the 1st of a series of partings so there's no need to cry about it. But there were tears of course, there's just no way I could stop my tears from welling up. But mind over matter: I am coming back. I was going to see my family and that's definitely a reason to be excited about.

I spent my last day in Singapore going to church, shopping, packing my things and hanging out at East Coast Park. I'd miss the early morning jogs, McDo breakfasts, and the view of the beach knowing that Raymund was beside me to enjoy it too.

We ate dinner by the beach, Subway as usual, while listening to Glee songs from my celphone. It was a lovely way of spending my last night in Singapore. I wouldn't want to spend it anywhere else, it had to be ECP. I would always love being there.

Back Home

I haven't been away from the Philippines that long but somehow being back home feels a tad different. Of course it's always nice to be home. I guess I just got so used to walking and taking public transport knowing that I won't get mugged no matter how late it is, that going out here has been quite a challenge. I was so relieved to get home safe after taking a cab all the way from The Fort - that's after hearing scary cab stories from friends.

In the last week I've been here, I got to attend my org's alumni homecoming. Only a few of us from our batch were able to come, but that's okay. That just goes to show that we are on our way to conquer the world. ;) I just wanted to come to show my support to Aggre, catch up with friends and personally thank my prof and inform him that I'm finally pushing through with my MS.

Other than that, I've eaten a lot of calorie-laden food and had no time to burn them. I had visited my aunts' place, and I keep wishing my cousins and nephew won't grow up too fast. I also got to watch a lot of ETC and Lifestyle Network shows which I've missed so much! It's always good to be back, I just wish Raymund's back here with me too so it would already be perfect.

Well that's all so far. I'm leaving tomorrow morning, and I plan to make the most of this trip, since it'll probably be the last one in a long, long while. Ciao!

see you later's

2010-05-28T21:21:00.000-07:00

We've recently moved again, this time back somewhere in the east. What I love most about this new place is that we're near the East Coast Park. We've been jogging there for 3 weekends in a row now. Then we'd eat at the nearby fastfood afterwards (Subway or McDo). I love eating breakfast at McDo. And the branch at ECP seems like the busiest McDo there is during that time of the day, it's almost always packed with people who just finished their morning jog.

Anyway, I thought we'll be staying here til end of July, which is when I'll be leaving Singapore for good (if things go well), but no. We have to move again by the end of June (long story, en bloc-developer issues) so I guess that will be in the west. But that's fine. As long as the rest of my weekends here will be spent lounging and running along the east coast... :)

The past week I had to bid another friend goodbye. But you know me, I always insist on 'see you later'. Mainly cos that makes it more consoling and bearable. I don't even want to begin to think about July. I can just anticipate that during major farewells, as always, I'd have some flashbacks of when I first met some people I'll be bidding goodbye to. I have very distinct memories of certain people of when I first met them, and then of the more recent event that is their leaving. :(

One of those certain people is my PB colleague and friend, James de Guzman. He's probably in Kentucky, USA by now. I remember distinctly the time I first met him, when he was introduced to me by another James, and how we talked in Filipino in front of everyone. Then his last visit at PB when I handed him his hard drive and our final picture taking via camera phone. He's one popular character in PB, showing off his talents in every talent showcase there is. He'll be sorely missed. But again, no goodbyes, only 'see you later'. It's never impossible.

Now bracing myself for more of these. Sigh. But we move along, so goes the song by The All American Rejects.

Anyway, as a sort of 'see you later' tribute, here's a picture of me and James from PB's D&D back in 2009. I also won't forget his compliments that night. A very sweet and thoughtful friend indeed! :) Wish you all the best James, I'm sure everyday will be lovely now that you and your wife are finally together. Kitakits! ;)

my 2 cents on the 2010 elections

2010-05-11T06:31:00.000-07:00

this morning when i went for my medical, the doctor asked if i'm a filipino and if i had voted. i've been asked the latter question a few times and with every "no" answer, i've never really had a tinge of regret, until yesterday that is, the actual election day in the philippines. the doctor told me that i should have voted, that the future depends on each one of us, that it's our responsibility - somewhere along that line. the guy said it with so much passion that i wasn't sure if he's that concerned about it or if he's merely distracting me as he pricked my arm for my blood test. anyway, i told him that i did regret not having registered. well at that point i did. i wish i took the extra time to fill up that paper when the woman at the embassy asked me if i'd like to register for absentee voting, even when my only business there was my exit pass.

i was watching tv before i left the house, and was dismayed to see erap at the 2nd spot. but i was even less happy about binay topping the vice-presidential race but i'm not gonna rant about that. during lunch break i was also checking out election results update on the web. then i saw an article about pokwang, on how there's "a tweet war", where people are hating on noynoy and pokwang defending her candidate.

i felt frustrated. when i left the philippines to work abroad, i somehow finally figured a 'general' negative trait of my fellow countrymen - looking from the outside and seeing them while we're in a different country. and from what i've observed, it's not surprising why the philippines is what it is - a developing country (not third world anymore from when i last checked). i won't try to analyze, i'm just gonna say what general feel i have about it. hate and greed. 2 of the seven capital sins. and they're the kind that consumes a person.

it's just sad that there's a lot of hate going around, to the point of insulting a person's intelligence for not voting the "smart" choice. i would understand where that's coming from if the person is evil, but in noynoy's case, i don't think he is. why people would even say they'd laugh at you if your candidate doesn't do well during his term is sick. does that mean they're rooting for the president to fail? would they rather get their laugh than have good governance? how would they feel if the person actually did well - disappointed? crabs.

it was kind of similar to what a friend told me after an exam. he said the reason we didn't do well in the test was because even before we took it, we already had a defeated spirit (from knowing that that subject was one of the most difficult to pass). so i hope for these people who don't believe in noynoy, to spare the rest the negativity. nobody wants to be judged for something they haven't even started doing.

if i had registered, i would have voted for someone else too, someone who doesn't have a very good chance of winning. on hindsight, i probably would go back to voting noynoy, especially after seeing erap raking in a lot of votes (probably more than the combined votes of the rest). i realized that my dad was right when he was discouraging me from voting my then-choice for president (as if i was voting). he said the president doesn't need to be super intelligent, but he has to be someone who can inspire the people to change, because at the end of the day, it's not going to be the president doing the whole job of changing the country by himself, everyone has to chip in.

another thought that comes to mind is an advice our prof told us, before the previous election. he said not to vote for the lesser evil, but to vote for someone we really believe in. i didn't take his advice. i voted for the one who would become president (so sue me!), only because i was scared to have a former actor lead the country. now that we have some brilliant people running for president, i still feel that in a way, we can't afford to vote for them, especially if you have the likes of erap still lurking around to take the title. imagine how many people voted for the guy after being impeached - what does that say about us filipinos? while some of us can claim that we're smart, most will probably agree that unfortunately, we're outnumbered - by people who can't distinguish an actor from the hero roles he had played, unwitting to the numerous oh-so-obvious crimes he had committed.

anyway, i'm now thankful for the people who voted for noynoy. if erap's a close second, i would probably be nervous and overwhelmingly grateful if noynoy beats him. *sigh*

well that's all. i apologize if this sounds more of a rant (i hope it doesn't though!), i was just typing my thoughts away. voting's over, and it's not always nice to hear that we get the kind of government we deserve, as if it's a consolation or a punishment... all that's left is to pray. God bless the philippines.

Easter

2010-04-03T07:34:00.000-07:00

It's almost Easter! I remember explaining to a non-Christian friend before how Good Friday is like the saddest day of the year in the liturgical calendar, so unlike other holidays that give us long weekend breaks, it's not exactly a "fun" holiday. Until Easter of course, which is such a big relief, even though it's on a Sunday and it's back to work the following day.

The solemnities observed this Holy Week have brought back some fond memories from when I was a kid. Like how happy we'd be to wake up to the sound of church bells, knowing that it's already Easter and we can eat our favorite food again. One of my earliest memories of Easter was when I was 7 or 8 maybe. We woke up really early for the Salubong and I saw my schoolmate up on a scaffold as one of the angels. I thought it fit her perfectly cos she did look like an angel. She also used to play the role of the Blessed Mother later in gradeschool.

I even remember wishing at the time that I could play an angel too but that didn't happen, although I did come close to such a role, when I was in 3rd grade and I was chosen to be one of the 'dancers' for the Sanctus. We didn't have wings so I guess we're not really angels, but we had paper roses which we swirled as we danced. I was happy to have a special part in our First Communion, and the dance steps were somehow etched on my mind for quite a while. Every time the Sanctus was sung, I'd do the steps with my fingers on the kneeler's desk (I don't know exactly what that's called).

Yesterday after church, we went to eat at Vivo City where I'm usually lured to Candy Empire. I was hoping to find some Easter egg chocolates, which I normally give out to friends during this occasion, but not since I graduated from college. I used to buy those plastic egg containers in pastel colors, then I'd put egg chocolates inside. Good thing I found these chocolates with fancy wrappers at Candy Empire - I'm already excited to give them out to my friends at work on Monday. :)

Today I dropped by the office to do some work, picked up some docs at the nearby bank and mailed them. Glad that bit is over, now all I have to do is wait and hope everything goes well (okay, you may not have an idea of what I'm talking about, but mum's the word until everything's finalized :D). Then I went to the center. I haven't really gone to the center for a long time. I can actually count the times I've visited one here, and I wish I could have exerted more effort to go despite having lots of chores during weekends. Since there was no benediction, we watched a movie instead - it's on the life of St. Maria Goretti. When I found out we'd be watching it, I was psyched, since she was my favorite saint when I was a kid. But that was mostly because she was really pretty in the book of saints that I had back then. :D Anyway, there was one thing that struck me in the movie, and it's that on anger, which as Maria's father said, is worse than fever or malaria - and it left me wishing that I don't get eaten up by anger too. There's more to where that's coming from but I won't elaborate. I just really wish I can resolve to always catch myself before things get ugly. :D

Okay, I've been writing so long that it's already Easter now! Have a blessed, meaningful and happy Easter everyone! Tis another season to celebrate, the Lord's ressurection and man's redemption. ;) Spaghetti and fried chicken for dinner later, yippee! :)

Edit: Took a picture of the eggs lined up against my keyboard. I got the 2 bigger eggs from my colleagues. How sweet! :)

defying gravity

2010-03-18T06:43:00.000-07:00

i've always liked the concept of 'defying gravity', which happens to be a line from one of my all-time favorite songs.

i have also associated it with one of my fave quotes - of going uphill, and 'against the grain'.

so how amazed was i to hear this song from my current fave show GLEE... and how perfect its timing is for me to hear it. there's a reason why i can only watch GLEE on starworld after all - the wheels episode was just aired yesterday (good thing i didn't buy the dvds when i was back home).

i'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
some things i cannot change
but till i try i'll never know

so i'll just close my eyes and leap. yes, i think i'll try defying gravity. :)

tegan and sara

2010-03-07T01:00:00.000-08:00

i just stumbled upon a great blog post and i find myself wanting to watch tv drama series again! since i very rarely get to listen to the radio anymore, my only source for new (not new as in newly released but new as in new to my ears) music is MTV. before, it's the radio, one tree hill, veronica mars, and some other random tv series.

one great band i got to know through watching tv series is tegan and sara. don't confess is one of my fave - a perfect song if you want some self-induced emo moment. ;) i know, i know, i know is another good one. and thanks to this post, i heard three more great songs from these indie rock twin sisters. their acoustic numbers are just oozing with raw talent. love their voice!

check it out! http://www.blogotheque.net/Tegan-and-Sara :)

my birthday in february

2010-02-25T06:21:00.000-08:00

not sure if i wrote anything about valentine's day last year... i seriously can't remember. this year i haven't and i'm not going to. february for me isn't about V day anymore... i barely notice or 'feel' that here, unlike when i was still back home. here it's all CNY. moving on.

yesterday and today felt like my birthday, but i can't expound on that just yet. probably in the next few months i can explain why. but not now or in the immediate future. i'm just so happy. ecstatic. content. 8)

i happened to read a tweet yesterday from this guy. don't really know him but someone RT-ed his post and i got to read it at the perfect time.

are you, honestly, doing everything in your power to reach your absolute, maximum potential? push. drive.

and my answer to that would be 'not really'. i can only remember one instance when i had done 'everything in my power' and that's when i got an almost perfect score in ES 12. i wish i can say it's on something not acads-related but no, that was the only time i was really pushed to do my ultimate best. still, i'm forever proud of it.

now i have to toughen up again and do my utmost. make it happen, keep the dream alive.

if there's a will, there's a way - no matter how cliche it sounds, it's still the best quote for helping me get back on track with my goals.

i love how my friends say the wisest things when i need it.

AMDG.

rewind to 2005

2010-01-25T23:33:00.000-08:00

today, i was reminded of 2 things that happened more than 4 years back. kind of a coincidence that they happened in the same year. now i have an appropriate title for this post, whee!

1. down with the sickness. i'm sick, and have been on leave since yesterday. i'm kind of thankful that i have an excuse not to go to work, cos work has been really taxing lately. not so much with the work itself, but with the drama that came with it. i won't elaborate cos just thinking about it is already stressful as it is. okay, back to me being sick - unfortunately (or fortunately) i caught a flu. i remember being like this back in college, i had to check my old blog for the details. i found 2 posts here and here. i miss having "doting" people around, and getting chocolates for motivation. :) anyway, i have to quote some lines i wrote then, cos they're the exact same thing i would've said today: wow, i just realize that this is the only time i’ve slept really long. for the most part of yesterday i just slept, and then i slept again for like 12 hours. so i guess that’s why my head hurts like hell. yep, sleep is always good, hooray for meds that cause drowsiness! :P

2. i've been googling something in the past but didn't really have any luck on finding it... until today! i somehow remembered some keywords (okay, enough reference to freud) that might narrow down the search and i did find it, yay!!! a quick segue: when i was a kid i remember my mom talking about me and how i shop. she said something like, i don't just buy anything - when i see something i like (maybe on TV or mags), i'd really look for it even though i'd end up not buying anything cos the ones available in the mall were just not up to mark. i feel that in some ways i'm still very much like that girl who's stubborn enough to look for what she wants. that would probably explain why i signed up on ebay and prefer my gowns tailored cos i couldn't quite find the things i like anywhere else. in 2005, my aunt sent me some mags from the US. the minute i saw the gown on that vogue cover, i knew what i want for my wedding dress. :) when i went home last december, i planned to look for that mag but didn't really start on it cos they're probably covered in dust and my allergies were bad enough. so i relied on the net, too bad i kept searching for "drew barrymore vanity fair" when the mag is vogue after all! then the magic keywords "beauty and the beast" suddenly popped in my head! that was the theme - how could i have missed the lion right next to drew that's like 1/3 of the cover? anyway, i'm so happy i found it now! it's the april 2005 US vogue cover. now that's taken care of, i can keep dreaming of my own starry yellow wedding. 8)

since i kind of took a short trip down memory lane by chance, i'd have to say 2005 was really a good year. it's like 500 days of summer, only shorter and minus the dreadful ending. but again, i won't elaborate... gotta live in the present. so, that's all folks!

'09/'10 on my mind

2009-12-31T06:39:00.000-08:00

it's the last day of the year, time to reflect and look back... personally, 2009 wasn't exactly as "off the charts" as the other years prior. if i should name one thing that makes 2009 memorable for me, it would be my nephew's birth and finally becoming an aunt. that's pretty much it. :D still, i'm thankful for everything that's happened in '09, as obscure as they might be in my mind for now (freud says we don't really lose memories of things that happened to us, so they'd probably resurface some time in the future!).

2010's almost here. FIFA world cup south africa, woohoo! i better have that italia jacket in march. ;) other than that, i feel really excited and scared at the same time, for what 2010 has in store for me. i promise to grab the opportunity even if it means going out of my comfort zone. and to always trust in the power of faith, hope and LOVE. fiat!

have a wonderful 2010 everyone!!! God bless. all the best in the coming year!

ps: enough swinging life away for now. this shall be my motto for 2010. :)

random december updates

2009-12-22T01:26:00.000-08:00

3 days til Christmas! it's december and i felt obliged to blog at least once this month since it's my favorite month and all.

i've been so busy until now - i'm finally enjoying my 2-week leave from work, yay! december's always been happening, but this year i've been especially busy with work and shopping and other stuff i have to keep mum about at the moment. :D

everyone here's asking what i did on my birthday. in a gist, we had lunch at a thai resto where we ate the yummiest "grass" dish (freshly picked off nicoll highway! lol!) - the lunch was my colleagues' treat for me (yes i know, tradition's different there :D), heard mass with raymund, then went to the jewel box at mount faber for dinner. it was a nice quiet day, with friends sending me greetings in private as if my birthday's a secret, save for facebook of course. my sincere thanks for dropping me a line on my birthday, FB friends. :)

the last few days in singapore were busy, busy, busy. there was a time i went to the mall for 5 consecutive nights, always 2 hours before closing. i felt rushed, but it was fun nonetheless - i love going to the mall cos that's the only place i hear Christmas carols being played. my best shopping day was last Saturday - i went to this store which sells all kinds of knick knacks so i've pretty much finished my Christmas shopping there with all the cute stuff i bought. :) my arms still hurt thinking about all those shopping bags that i had to carry. added to that the pain of carrying my luggage at the airport and my baby nephew in the following days. :)

i flew in sunday night. i thought i was going to be late for my flight yet again cos i took the mrt instead of a cab (i was already kind of broke by then, and $2 train fare as opposed to 20 bucks for cab is just too tempting). anyway, i arrived just in time (i.e., 1 hour before boarding) but had to really hurry as the boarding gate was like miles away. the plane ride was okay, i barely noticed that it's a 3-hour flight. i wanted to watch coco avant chanel on the plane, but decided against it after realizing i had to read the subtitles off a tiny screen to understand the movie. :D so i opted for the big bang theory that pong's been bugging me to watch, said it was hilarious. i got to watch a different tv series though, thinking it was the big bang theory, which i didn't find engaging enough so i finally settled for bandslam. not bad for killing time.

last night we had our G6 get-together. loads of catching up and big surprises. i really did miss my blockmates, so it was really really nice to see them, even if only for a short while. not my best night though, as i felt awkward at some point because of someone's announcement. it explained a lot (not that it really came as a surprise to me), and for a while i felt embarrassed for ever sending an out-of-the-blue email to him brought about by a project we did together. oops. long story. anyway, i'm genuinely happy for him and wish him all the best especially in that aspect of his life. :) on other news, people are talking about weddings, and it seems like 2012 is the ideal year for people our age. why is that? i thought it was just me. :D i hope i'll be here on their weddings though. *sigh* i love weddings... :)

still on other news, it's sad to learn about people's death especially before Christmas. now it's brittany murphy, what a shock. somehow whenever i play a certain song on loop, i get reminded of brittany murphy's character in girl, interrupted where she left her phonograph playing "it's the end of the world" before she hung herself. creepy and sad. my favorite movie of her was uptown girls, love the song "molly smiles" (watch the video, it's lovely!). *sigh* life's too short indeed. rip brittany murphy.

sorry for the sad note at the end. still, it's a good reminder for us all to savor every moment with our loved ones and do our utmost to be good. :) have a blessed merry Christmas everyone! let's celebrate the wonderful gift of Christ's birth. xoxo. :)

dreams and memoirs

2009-11-06T18:20:00.000-08:00

remember: the tragedy of life is not what we lose, but what we miss. - paulo coelho

i've been quite bothered about something lately and i'm not sure if i should blog about it. i've had an ugly experience with blogging before, especially when one's in a vulnerable state. i'm not talking about myself - it was actually someone's post about me. anyway, i don't think i'm vulnerable now. i was, a couple of weeks back, but thankfully i was preparing for something really important then and couldn't just afford to write or get distracted about other stuff. right now, i guess i'm as sober as i'll ever be, so here goes...

some weeks ago i had this dream about someone. in the dream, i chose him and i've never felt happier and free. then i had another dream about him, we were on a date and it ended in an escalator scene. the escalator was long and steep, and i remember being scared to go down. and that was it. freud says dreams are manifestations of your inner desires. i don't agree totally, but i believe dreams are representations of things that are in the recesses of our minds. anyway, as you can probably imagine, i was so hung up for a few days (i dreamt of these on 2 consecutive nights), and i started to wonder what these dreams were telling me.

i thought about how "we" ended. there was really no "us" but i loved him dearly, and i'm sure he loved me more. as i recount what happened, i realized that there really is nothing else i can do. i had my chance and i blew it. i mustered enough courage to "win" him back, but it's simply not the same anymore. feelings change, as do people.

so i lost.

it was a tough reality to accept, but in retrospect, even if i knew that i'd lose, i would've done it still. at least i wouldn't be flooded with what if's, knowing that i did what i can. heartbreaks happen, but we move on.

i'm a happy kid now. when i saw this tweet from paulo coelho, i felt lucky that i didn't experience the "tragedy of life" despite losing something i really wanted. and i realized i'm exactly where i should be, with the person who loves me despite my many imperfections. :) love is not a feeling, it resides in the will - i should remind myself of that more often.

and hopefully none of these haunting dreams anymore. :D

thoughts after the deluge

2009-09-30T06:40:00.000-07:00

everywhere life is full of heroism

i remember this line from my life's motto, desiderata - after seeing all the people who went out of their way to help the flood victims of the recent storm ketsana that hit the philippines.

i know there are a lot of unsung heroes out there. God bless the Filipinos.

take me away, the song

2009-09-18T09:33:00.000-07:00

got the chance to hear this song again while driving around singapore to do site inspections. my header on this blog - aside from it being a default for the blogskin i used - was partly inspired by this song, so i kept it.

*sigh* the acoustic version just makes me melt...

Lifehouse - Take Me Away (acoustic)[MP3-Codes.com].mp3 -

it keeps leaving me needing you

i've got nothing left to say
just take me away

because i want to remember

2009-08-17T07:20:00.000-07:00

okay, this won't be long. just want to list these quotes down:

because there's nowhere to go but everywhere... keep rolling under the stars, generally the western stars. (jack kerouac)

maybe because i'm waiting for the fireworks, or for every light to put off all together at the tick of midnight... don't stop looking for magic everyday.

these are the mottos that i forgot to live by. stumbling upon them once again through a friend's blog - the friend who gave me these quotes as a send off and a birthday wish, by the way - just made me have knots in my stomach.

thanks crazy, for posting these words again. you know how i'd love to roll under the stars.

thanks bart

2009-07-25T19:28:00.000-07:00

it's been 4 years since i had a post about a pet. that was when i wrote about bwit, my pet hamster. i had her when i was in 3rd year college and she died the summer after. now i'm writing about bart. some of you may have known him, he's the pitbull that scared the hell out of some of our visitors at home, especially when he makes this rattling noise whenever he jumps on top of his dog house.

last night i got a text from my mom telling me that bart had already died. that morning, my mom called me with that worried tone that makes me palpitate. she told me that johan, my 1-month-old nephew, had been confined. he choked on his milk and couldn't breathe for a while. he's now on dextrose and had been diagnosed with pneumonia as some milk got into his lungs. if antibiotics couldn't get it out, they'd have to punch a hole in his lungs to drain it. i was in tears. then my mom also informed me that bart fell sick suddenly. he couldn't stand and wouldn't eat. she said that while she doesn't want to lose either of them, she hoped that bart would 'redeem' johan instead. johan's condition is stable now, thank goodness. but bart had already left us.

raymund, who took care of bart for a while, asked me to take a picture of him when i went home for a vacation 2 weeks ago. i wasn't able to, cos i really couldn't get near him. i just usually checked on him from our window. now i regret not going out to see him up close.

i really have this slight cynophobia, even with our dogs (and we usually have at least 4 dogs at home). i wasn't like that when i was 7, i used to snuggle with our semi-dachshund dog fida and even helped her deliver her puppies, and you know how fierce pregnant dogs are. but then there was this incident when i tripped and accidentally fell on top of doggie, my grandaunt's - you guessed it! - dog and he bit my ankle. back then whenever i described him to others, i'd tell them that he's like a cow, cos he seemed huge to a grade-schooler like me. in retrospect, he might just be your typical labrador-sized mongrel. :D then it also happened twice that my mom got bitten by our neighbor's dog and i was worried sick because of rabies. luckily the nasty dog didn't have one. and of course there were those few occasions when a dog was running after me. those must have taken a few years off my life. watching quarantine early this year just relived my fear of rabies, and i had a hard time sleeping for at least a few nights because of it. :S

bart was one dog i'm scared of. one obvious reason was his breed. he's our second pitbull, and also our second dog named bart. when my friends and i hang out at our front yard, they'd ask me what if bart got off his leash, and i'd tell them to run for their lives. my greatest fear when coming home alone was seeing our dogs, especially bart, running around the house without a leash. i don't think i could get myself to go in. sometimes, when i feel that the coast is clear, i'd still make a dash from our gate to our front door while frantically searching for the right key. but i guess this fear was all in my head. bart was really a gentle dog, he hadn't bitten or attacked anybody. raymund who loves dogs, used to walk bart on the streets. he told me that bart was only mad at other dogs, but not at people. i've only heard of two people he didn't 'like'. i took a peek at him when i was home last time. of all our dogs, he's the only one who seems like a human trapped inside an animal's body. that's how i feel whenever i see his gentle eyes.

my parents told me that maybe bart did give up his life for johan, because other people say that our pets sometimes take our burdens for us. and i'd like to believe that he did. i'm still crying about it (as in right now, haha), but i'm thankful for whatever bart may have done for my nephew. we'll miss you dearly, bart. :'(

ps: kindly include johan in your prayers for his speedy recovery. thank you.

porcupine

2009-07-02T07:21:00.000-07:00

this was porcupine 3 yrs ago...

he turned 4 last week. 4 yrs did go by in a blink. he's looking more handsome now, dontchathink? :D

cake courtesy of his ninang/ate cha (that's me!).

it's not a pretty picture of sami, but they're sooo cute in this photo. i wanna hug them too!!

how i met the stranger

2009-05-15T20:08:00.001-07:00

when i left work yesterday, i still hadn't decided exactly what to do or where to go. since raymund was in some steamboat resto for his colleague's farewell dinner, i knew i'd be wandering off alone somewhere else. i was thinking getting some soya ice cream first from mr bean, just across the road (i have this coupons that'd make you pay 30 cents less, haha!). but when i got to the lobby, they were fixing the carpet, which blocked the way and led me to exit from the other door. just outside that other door was the queue for the free shuttle that goes from our office building to city hall to suntec city. so i found myself queuing too, while trying to read one of neil gaiman's short stories to kill time.

then i got off at city hall. it's been quite a while since i took that shuttle bus, and when i got off i wasn't entirely sure which way to the mall. i wanted to go to MPH, this bookstore in raffles shopping centre, that's connected to the city hall mrt station. so i just walked, and followed this other guy in front of me. i had to restrain myself from walking my usual pace (which is relatively fast) so i wouldn't get ahead of him. but i guess wherever you are, it's quite easy to know where the mrt station is cos everyone's headed for it.

so i got into the mall, thank goodness. wandered to the basement cos i remembered that's where the bookstore was. got sidetracked at watsons, cos my night time moisturizer had already changed consistency and was bordering on sticky, so i wanted to get a new one.

then i got to the bookstore. i decided i wanted to read murakami again, this book i saw from casual poet's blog (although i still have neil gaiman to keep me occupied for at least a few more days). since it was still early to have dinner, and i couldn't rack my brain on where to have dinner alone (i do mind eating alone outside!), i felt it would be fine to just search for the book without asking for assistance from the staff. i browsed through each shelf of popular fiction, which i thought was the most apt category for the book. but it was taking much longer than i expected. so i went to the counter and asked where i can find murakami's books. the girl pointed me to asian novels, at the bottom of that shelf, she said. so i was scanning the books quickly and got to the bottom part, when i was interrupted by a man who was sitting on a small chair with a pile of books on the floor. initially i thought he worked in that store and was just arranging the books. he asked me if i read murakami and what i thought of japanese authors and to recommend one of murakami's books. i said i've only read a couple, so i pulled out a copy of after dark and gave it to him. apparently, he was the chatty type and had such a loud voice that i found myself answering his questions, giving my opinions on stuff and getting weird looks from other customers. i don't even want to enumerate all the things that we talked about. he's a self-confessed "mad" person and evidently he was. from what i've gathered, he's a cook, an english teacher, a poor old but important man, and had suffered from a recent stroke/heart attack. that explains why he had a walking stick with him.

he's not like those really old men you'd take pity on cos they can hardly walk. he's not that old, he's in his 60s, was enthusiastic, a little too friendly, obviously eccentric, opinionated and a bit too demanding! he's the type of person who can see a situation clearly, and has a well-defined picture of his personality, that much i can say. he invited me to join him for dinner, at a food centre outside cos he can't afford to have dinner in the mall, which he reckoned, would easily cost him about $10. he's poor, he said, so his dinner budget was only around $3.50. okay, i may be too naive or just plain stupid to not have declined. i actually got out of the mall and accompanied him cos at the time, i couldn't find any reason not to, except that it's completely bold and unusual. i thought well, he just had a stroke, seemed to be needing some company, and i had nothing else to do and didn't want to eat alone, so what the heck. i ordered fishball noodle and he ordered his tofu and veggies. he asked me to do him a favor and buy a cold barley drink for him, which of course i didn't ask him to pay. he kept asking me to "do him a favor" such as speak a bit louder (he's partially deaf) and let him hold my hand/arm when crossing the street. when we're on our way back to the bookstore, i was already a bit annoyed although the things he's asked of me were fairly reasonable. he invited me to this film and this session with a playwright, cos he thought i was interested in these kinds of stuff and felt that i'd also find him interesting once i get to know him more. i'd say his friendship was too much for someone whom you've just spent 2 hours with (which he also recognized).

back at the store, he took a lot of books - about $300 worth, which he can pay for thru some means, like charge it to some organization or something, i dunno. he asked me to include the book that i wanted to buy so i'd have 20% discount too since he's a member and was entitled to it. personally i didn't want to, cos at this point i didn't want to have anything to do with him (like some debt of gratitude). he was asking the staff to do this and that, like check his book list, make him an invoice - much to their annoyance. and he can see that. the guy from the counter was a bit rude to him, clearly he's pissed off. that guy asked if he can have a word with me and i said okay. he told me that this old man i was with (he knew that i went out with him for dinner, and i felt embarrassed and stupid now), was "not right up there" (he meant his head), and it's better that i don't have connections with him cos he assumed the old man would just be a nuisance to me. i knew he meant well. i told him that i know he's mad, and that i agree with him, cos i really don't want to have connections with someone who's practically a stranger. so i paid for my book, and the girl at the counter gave me an apologetic, or rather a pitying smile, probably felt sorry for me for what i had to put up with in the past couple of hours when i had really just planned to buy a book.

i bid the old man goodbye, told him i had to go and headed for iluma, where coffee bean was open til 11pm. it was a pretty neat place to hang out, and i felt a bit irritated for having allowed that thing to happen to me, which took so much of my time. but then i asked myself, what's wrong with it anyway... other than it's completely bold and unusual and made me get weird looks from people. oh well, i'd just be more on guard next time, and not be swayed easily regardless of how harmless everything seems.

i have the murakami book now, turns out it's in the biography section after all. if only i've specified the title sooner, i wouldn't have gone to the asian novels. but it was meant to happen. i was meant to meet the stranger, for what cosmic reason, i'm not so sure. i don't really care now. i just want to start reading and eat ice cream.

dear crazy #2

2009-04-24T09:13:00.000-07:00

let me start with a big "I'M SORRY". i'm sorry cos i felt that i went behind your back. you'll get it soon enough when you see the following photos:

i know you asked me to tell you the exact date and time i'm going there, but tonight i just couldn't. it was done on an impulsive whim and i don't have your number. blame it on beard papa's for their out-of-stock eclairs and the nearest coffee bean being in raffles hospital (the location just won't do), for making me want to go all the way to outram park and walk the dingy stretch of new bridge road in search of this coffee shop. and i also happened to toss my murakami book into my bag this morning. you can blame that too.

if it's any consolation, i didn't have a good camera with me, and so, i had to rely on my phone's cam to capture these shots. these photos don't really do the place much justice. next time i go there, i promise to let you know, and i'll take as much photos as i can with my D60. hopefully by then, i already got skill. :P

that's all for now. i just had to confess. forgive me?

cheers,
crazy

audrey, i likey

2009-03-21T07:24:00.000-07:00

i'm not really an audrey hepburn fan. but i do find her stunning from the first time i saw this picture of her as princess ann in roman holiday.

and since she's such an icon, it's no surprise why her face has been immortalized in even the smallest of merchandise, like earrings and keychains and stuff. but the best i've seen so far is this bag i spotted at forget-me-not, a charming little boutique at anchorpoint shopping centre in alexandra road.

i like it to the point of wanting to own it, but i bought something else... okay, let me justify that by saying that it just doesn't seem practical to buy this kind of luggage that i have no use of at the moment. so i chose this other cute bag instead (pic taken on my closet mirror):

but i'm not giving up on the yellow audrey bag which i feel is so me in a way, so it's now on top of my wish list. it's just sad that my birthday's not in the next few months, so i dunno for what reason/occasion someone would give this to me. but i'll still be crossing my fingers on that. :D

sunday bloody sunday

2009-03-01T00:17:00.000-08:00

if you've read my first ever post on this blog, you'd know how i feel about sundays. but since i moved here, days just go by more swiftly and before i know it, it's weekend again. so i don't dread sundays as much as i used to.

but this sunday is unusually gloomy, not the typical sun-hurts-your-eyes kind of sunday. it's raining outside so i'm not exactly sure if i can jog later. yesterday, i was quite disappointed in myself cos i only jogged for 18 mins. i stopped as soon as i reached the bridge and just walked all the way home. i kept thinking had i only eaten a snack before heading to the park, i would've had more energy. but then, snack equals calories and i'm supposed to burn calories by jogging. so eating a snack quite defeats the purpose, doesn't it? anyway, part of me still wants to go for a jog later to somehow redeem myself. and part of me wants to stay home and watch tv. so i hope it wouldn't stop raining so the weather could just decide for me.

last sunday, i got the surprise of my life. i'm going to be an aunt! i received a text from my mom saying just that. my brother's baby will be born some time in june or july, and i hope i'll be there to see my niece. or nephew. although they couldn't see that clearly yet, the doctor said it's likely to be a girl so i'll stick with "niece" until further notice. anyway, i'm quite excited actually that i already bought some baby clothes for her. i told my aunt (the one in LA) that she's going to be a grandaunt soon and she replied with a big OMG. and i got the same response from a friend. i guess it's the common reply when one gives out this kind of news.

back to today... i went to this bookstore which i've only seen for the first time. after much browsing, i decided to buy a book - blind willow, sleeping woman. it's my second murakami book, and i hope it's a good one. when i saw the words "chance reunion in italy, a romantic exile in greece...", i knew it'd be an interesting read. anyway, this bookstore - times - has these plastic bags with authors written all over it, which i'd find cool only if i haven't seen the same concept from barnes & noble years before. :P

i've been online for a couple of hours now, chatting with my mom and surfing the net to find an operaman video on pearl jam. *sigh* i forgot how much i loved watching SNL until last night when i was able to catch the best of SNL at starworld with adam sandler as operaman. if you haven't seen operaman before, you can watch this funny al gore clip:

anyway, the one on pearl jam is even more hilarious but "the video is no longer available". so i'll post the lyrics instead (although most of it is plain gibberish), and you can just picture operaman singing this to the tune of pearl jam's even flow. :)

clip 1:
Eeoo zama dama dingy do, Billboard numero uno.
Eeoo zama mama dyng dong, Covero Time Magazine-o.
Eeoo yama nama zeeoo Nirvana, kiss my assa.
Eeoo zama mama dyng dong, Operaman's a big Pearl Jam fan-o.
clip 2:
Whoa deeyo zaya moya ding doo, Eddie Vedder's even better looking in person-o.
Eeyo zama mama dyng dong. I wish he didn't have a girlfriend-o
Eeyo I'm not saying I'm gay, I'm just saying there comes a time in every man's life when he questions his own sexuality!
Oh no!

i guess i should really buy SNL: best of adam sandler since i'm such a fan.

yay, it's still raining! i shall watch tv then! ciao!

the uneventful

2009-02-17T23:42:00.000-08:00

let me borrow that from crazy just for today.

i called in sick to work so this day is expectedly uneventful for me. not that any other day that i'm off somewhere else has been otherwise. anyway. i can't decide yet whether i like it better being on leave.

it's afternoon already, and so far i still haven't accomplished a lot. well, not really. i've actually spared some time to answer some emails so that's already something, especially when you deem keeping in touch important. and then i watched some episodes of the city while snacking on german chocolate, just to kill time (some side notes: whitney looks like a female lance bass don't you think? and i agree that jay does look like an apostle according to this post, just like my CE 25 prof. anyway, he's such a dreamboat - jay, not my prof). i dunno why i keep opting to do these trivial things when i can indulge on something that's... well, less trivial. like reading books or learning photography. oh well, maybe on weekends. i wish i have something to cook but we already have enough food for the week. i thought i can cook the squid for friday night's dinner but i remembered that i don't know how to clean it. or maybe i'm just too squeamish to try. but certainly not that much because i've already beheaded the shrimps (which used to be a nightmare for me) for our cereal prawn dish. okay i'm babbling.

wish i could go for a jog later, and maybe i will. i like jogging cos it helps me clear my head, while giving me that fulfilling feeling of actually burning some cals. i remembered when i was in college and the worst thing happened - i got heartbroken (sorry for the cringe-fest, as much as i hate using that term when relating it to romantic love, it's the most appropriate so i have to) - it was the first time i had successfully jogged one round of the acad oval, and it felt great. so yes, i like jogging, it saves lives. :)

i'll jog by the beach today when it's not that sunny anymore (around 6 maybe). i hate the sun, especially when i see the tan lines on my feet (i wear strapped shoes) which i got from our frequent site walks. i understand why some people love it, i actually enjoyed the sun on my face one time but not too much please. anyway, back to the beach... living near one is something i really love about this place. it's not a fancy resort but a beach nonetheless. i can't imagine being somewhere else, like renting a flat near the city. i prefer laid back most of the time. i like being able to go there at dawn, dusk or near midnight. well that's me, always happy near the sea. and it's funny cos i only realized that when i moved to this country which has far fewer bodies of water than my native archipelago.

well, going to the park may just be the highlight of my uneventful day. i do need this time off to clear my head. so, gtg. :)

melt your headaches, call it home

2009-01-17T22:24:00.000-08:00

a couple of months ago, i cited a particular song which i thought was my theme song for this place, and it was because these lines used to ring in my head:

cause i don't want you to know where i am,
cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been,
this is no place to try and live my life.

emo much? well good thing i don't really feel that way anymore.

recently, i saw crazy's post about leaving home, and i was saddened when i got to this line:

once you leave, every place and every bed becomes a hotel rather than a home, a transit point in an endless journey towards an unknown destination.

and it wasn't because i agree with that idea - it's because i don't. it dawned on me that somehow i've already let go of this feeling of missing home and that makes me sad. well, either way - missing home, or realizing that you don't miss home anymore - is just plain sad. at least for me.

i remember telling a friend once, that i hope he'd always miss me, and that he'd never get used to me not being there. personally, i also don't want to get used to being away from my family, despite knowing that it's hard missing someone everyday. but i guess it's inevitable, it's like a defense mechanism, that you'd be able to adjust eventually and then, everything's okay. not exactly great, but okay.

when i came back home last month for the holidays, i didn't really get to go out much. i don't have someone i could drag along with me anywhere i want, and it's not safe to go alone, so i was pretty much a homebody, which is fine because i like being home too. but the thing is, it's not just any ordinary day as if i still live there - i was just there for a vacation and my vacation was fleeting.

i did enjoy seeing my family, my aunts and cousins, my friends - i'd say i would still deem it priceless to be with them. but i could be with them anywhere, and it doesn't necessarily have to be the philippines. like catching fall out boy's concert, for instance. i missed it 2 years ago, but they'll be having a concert here in feb - which i might miss again (it's on a tuesday night and raymund won't go with me unless i pay for his ticket. and then i saw another event on the ticket website - disney on ice: princess wishes - how could i pass?). but the point is, they'll be coming here too. :D

crazy said change is a beautiful thing. perhaps. although i may still beg to differ every now and then. being back here after my trip, i realized that my life is here now, and i might as well call this home. i still like to have that feeling of wanting to go back and settling there when i have a family of my own. but until that feeling comes back, i shall continue blazing my own trail - here. :)

it's december!

2008-12-12T22:57:00.000-08:00

a friend dropped me a line with the subject "ei, it's december!".

i really wouldn't have noticed had he not declared it to my face. which was odd, considering i live for this month. and perhaps that's why he sent me that message. he knew me well.

but this year apparently, i don't feel that excited about it and not feeling excited about it makes me feel... old. i'm not that kid anymore who giddily awaits her birthday and Christmas. that's not to say i'll just let these occasions pass me by. i've just dropped "the waiting game" that's all, even if waiting was one of my favorite pastimes.

maybe it's because i won't be with my family and friends during my birthday. this year, i won't wake up at some ungodly hour on my birthday to attend misa de gallo with my parents. by the time i reach home, my birthday's over and it'll just be a few days til Christmas. and soon enough it will be over too.

maybe i'm just missing a lot of my closest friends, who i know i won't be seeing even though i'll travel a thousand over miles to be home.

maybe it's because i have a lot going on right now which made me realize that swinging life away is not a wise move. well, not really realize, since we all know it's really not a wise move to begin with.

ok, enough with the debbie downer mode. i know that i can't have it all, but i also know that i'll never be without friends and family on these occasions, albeit not physically, but that doesn't make it any less meaningful.

today, i'll celebrate with a barbeque cookout and good old spaghetti. and fish and chips on my actual birthday. and my mom's cooked meals when i'm back home. and of course trips to UCC, dulcinea and sweet inspirations for some caffeine, churros and bibingka. i'm not really enumerating my comfort foods as i'm not that depressed to have one. i'm just making a list of things to look forward to while sharing these special moments with people dearest to me. and i can't wait! 8)

2008-11-02T01:36:00.000-07:00

i watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the pacific

i hear it playing again and i wonder, how many times have i listened to that song and smiled, rather slyly, at how one particular line in it perfectly depicts how i feel about this place. but yes, i'll shy away from the specifics. :P

i haven't posted an entry for a while, now there's no september-october 2008 in my archives (big whoop! :P). i've been too lazy to write anything in the past month, maybe because i didn't really have anything cohesive to say (not that i'm writing cohesively now). and also because i've been quite engrossed on other things. like those go-no go dilemmas that i've had on whether i should apply for an MS this year. one saturday i'd be sprawled in my room reviewing for GRE and the next i'd be watching gossip girl online. sometimes i would convince myself that i could still get recommendation letters, take the exams and pass... after all, "to achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time". but when i bought my camera, i decided to just postpone the whole MS plan and not stress myself anymore. so in the end, i told my parents that i'd probably, probably just try next year (which means if i push through with it, i'd be able to start on 2010). although i'm still not decided if i should still take graduate studies... cos really, i just want a quaint little resto in the future. :D

so there, i have a camera now, yay! that was the other thing that's been keeping me busy lately. it's part of that sustainability thing that i got from daniel. anyway, you can finally view something on my multiply site as i had finally spared some time to upload my photos. i'm really excited to go back home in december to take pictures in UP and tagaytay! :D

i'm just glad that it'll only be less than 2 months and i'd be going back home again. :) i didn't even notice that it's been almost half a year already until my superior told me last friday. ooh, i better prepare my leave form now. :P

so until then, i'd be happily planning my itinerary for my 2 week Christmas break. :) trust me, i need it!

dear crazy

2008-08-08T23:11:00.000-07:00

i hung out at starbucks last night, wishing i have an SLR camera and you beside me. the view was spectacular and the music was perfect (courtesy of a live band playing somewhere across the bay, they did some cover songs of stereophonics, DMB, coldplay and U2 among others). the frap was overpriced as usual, but it was fine. it's one of the perfect places to read murakami's after dark - a coffee shop under the bridge, by the bay. how strategic.

speaking of after dark, yes, i have finally flipped it open, during one of the most miserable days i've had here. i was heading to the park alone, with the book and a tumbler in hand. i found an empty bench by the creek and decided to just hang out there until it gets dark. i couldn't surpress my tears anyway, so i stopped and tried to read the book. it was the first time i opened it, and hence the first time i read the note you wrote to me, along with other farewell messages from friends scribbled in a receipt from that resto where we last ate dinner together... it made me even lonelier, but relieved at the same time. it reminded me that i have friends to return to, and it felt good. i'm glad we'll still see in each other when i get back. i can't wait for our next game night. it will probably be the last one in a long while.

wow, everybody's leaving. how timely that we've signed up on WAYN. so, where are you now exactly, crazy? me, i'm in my room right now, listening to the last cd you gave me. i'd like to know what's in your current playlist though. hope it's the sunshine-matt rocca-type of songs. :) i think i've had enough of sad songs for now. although i must say there are some providential instances where the most fitting sad song was playing at the perfect moment. like that time i was jogging underneath a canopy of trees while it was raining and smashing pumpkins' landslide blasted in my headphones. and that time i was walking home in an empty lampost-lined street while listening to tori amos' a long taxi ride. but as emotionally stirring as they are, i'd have to pass. i guess i'll just trade my playlist for more cheerful songs, like this french song you love that's playing right now. sometimes, it is better not being able to understand the lyrics, don't you think? :P

i've dreamt of being in new york for two nights now. and it always leaves me feeling eager to go there. perhaps i caught the same bug that made you fell in love with it. i do hope your dream of settling there would come true, crazy. it's the city that perfectly matches your personality anyway. although as you've mentioned, you're also getting good at that "particular lifestyle the japanese are fond of." well, perhaps we can consider tokyo as your training ground, since it's similar to new york in some ways. see you there in 5 years.

hmm what else? ooh, huang is actually yellow in chinese. such coincidence. :D and yes, i agree that sir reg is cool, considering that for a guy his age, he knows the lyrics of black balloon. and i think he's a calvin and hobbes fan too. props to him. :D

well, that's all for now. regards to everyone i know in your world. ;)

cheers,
crazy

back to (old) school

2008-07-18T19:23:00.000-07:00

one time as i was about to withdraw some cash at the nearby atm at the pasir ris mrt station, my attention was caught by this blind man who was singing and playing his guitar. the song was U2's with or without you, and he sang it well. so well in fact that it made me stop and stay there for a while as he finished his song, together with a number of people who also stood by to watch him sing. i tell you, he was so good that it gave me goosebumps and made me drop a $1 coin into his box. that evening, i copied all my U2 songs (how to dismantle an atomic bomb & U218 singles) into my mp3 player and for about a week they were all i listen to as i get to work, starting off with beautiful day, which as lia suggested, is the song you should wake up to every single day.

as i was browsing thru my mp3s, i also realized that i don't have much current ones, save for the occasional downloads whenever i hear something catchy in the tv series that i watch. and they're not even the popular songs that they play in the radio every 3 hours or so. i dunno what happened, but when i was younger, i was addicted to mtv and channel [v], one reason why my adviser reprimanded me for not getting into the honours list back in high school. now, my collection is a bit stagnant, but i'm fine with it.

anyway, ever since the revival of U2 in my playlist, i started listening again to songs by my all time favorite bands, i.e., the old school bands that i grew up listening to. i'm talking about the likes of nirvana, pearl jam, stone temple pilots, live, REM, radiohead, smashing pumpkins, gin blossoms, bush, etc. whenever raymund and i listen to these songs, i always take pride in the fact that i knew them first before he did, thanks to my exposure brought about by my brother and musically inclined guy friends. and mtv too, let's not forget that. mtv had so much better shows then, especially since that channel is now bombarded with reality shows that have little to do with music, if not none.

these days i usually opt to watch music videos of these bands in youtube. i also get to appreciate them more - qualitywise, since i can compare them with the more contemporary ones. personally, i think the 90's has the best songs that are bound to become classics minus the outdated feel. brings back a lot of good memories too. like that time i thought gavin rossdale was the most goodlooking guy i ever saw, that i even chose a postcard of bush for our resin picture frame project instead of a family portrait, much to my mom's dismay. :P

right now, i'm kind of hooked on watching the acoustic versions because you'd really get to hear how well they can sing. so far i only have a handful of guys who really wowed me with their singing skills. these are scott weiland (STP), maynard james keenan (APC), jon mclaughlin and michael johns (AI, woohoo!) :P

eye candy of the moment: scott weiland in the mtv unplugged version of creep. there's nothing more attractive than a tortured man singing his heart out. ;) watch!!

i think that i shall never see

2008-06-24T04:37:00.000-07:00

while walking to the mrt station with my colleagues from work, one of them asked if my family had been gravely affected by the recent typhoon that hit the philippines. i told her that the worst thing that happened to us was our tree being uprooted because of the storm.

last night, my mom told me that they had to remove the said tree from our front yard because they just could not plant it back to the ground anymore. i was heartbroken, with tears of course.

i remember my dad telling us back when we were kids that he'd build us a tree house when that tree had grown big enough. when that happened, we were already too old to climb and play in a tree house. still, i plan to build one when i finally have kids of my own.

whenever there's a special occasion or during the Christmas season, we'd always light our capiz lamps which hang on that tree. it then becomes the most beautiful part of our house, which would explain why it always serves as our background during photo ops. sometimes when i get lonely, i'd go to our garden and turn the lights on as well as i while away the time staring at them.

*sigh* sometimes i wish i'm not this too attached to even the smallest of things. but i'm a year of the rat person, i'm just so sentimental like that. =s anyway, here are some pictures of our mango tree, taken during our last game night at home.i'm sure gonna miss it.

1 month down

2008-06-20T05:17:00.000-07:00

they say time flies when you're having fun. it's been a month already since i started working in singapore. time does seem to fly by a bit faster here - something i'm happy about actually, but it doesn't necessarily mean i'm having fun. i'm... okay, that much i can say.

the past month has been eventful enough. living away from home is really quite a challenge for me since i'm not the independent type. somebody else usually does things for me, and i'm not used to cooking, doing the laundry, cleaning the house and all those other chores... i did make an effort to make myself get used to washing the dishes by doing it after almost every meal for the last 2 weeks i was in the philippines. that didn't make me any faster at it though. i'm always so OC at cleaning everything you know. i'd like to believe that that's the reason why it takes me longer to do those stuff than other people, and not because of my lack of experience... or efficiency. :P

on other news, my mom came to visit recently. finally, we had a decent and sumptuous meal for a week. it was just unfortunate that i didn't get the chance to get off from work at 5:30 sharp while she was here, we could've spent more time together. oh well. i didn't expect i would cry like i did when we parted at the airport. it was totally embarrassing, plus i didn't want her to see me like that cos i know she'd just feel sad about it. *sigh* anyway, i was completely useless the next day since my head hurts like hell from all the random crying. oh well. my dad said he's planning to make her visit me again on september. can't wait!

when i arrived here 1 week before my cousin's 1st birthday, i felt like i've missed some fraction of my life already for not being there with them. just a few days ago, it was my mom's birthday and i asked pong to bring her a cake. i would have loved to see the look of surprise on her face when she got it. then today, it's crazy's. i hope pong, my ever-reliable delivery boy, had successfully put my gift for crazy on his desk at NCTS. again, i would have loved to be there when he opens it, hoping he'd be delighted that my gift had been shipped all the way from here, as if that's a big deal. :P i know there'll be more things that i'll miss out on, until i go home for Christmas. and the saddest part would be not being able to see some of my dearest friends like crazy and angeli, when i get back. =S but i'll just end that with another "oh well", because i don't want to sulk.

there are a lot of things here that remind me of certain people. i see these things everyday when i go to work. like the bridges i cross, which remind me of carlos and his high tide-low tide lecture. then as i try to make it to work on time, i always remember crazy's "the shortest distance is a straight line" statement, so i always walk in diagonals. :P then whenever i see a pentax store, i get the urge to text daniel, and ask him what lenses he's interested to buy (crazy, if you're reading this and you got my gift already, please give daniel the k20d brochure, thanks!). now that i mentioned these 3, i remember to thank carlos again for the tagaytay trip he financed during my last week back home. :P it was truly a fun and memorable day spent with my 3 best boys (sorry pong, you were in US that time). :)

hmm, i guess i'm just a little home sick right now, but i'll get by. i'll just chant ci vediamo, until i feel all better. :P

tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that i can't say
tonight i'm writing you a million miles away
tonight is all about "we miss you."
- homesick at space camp, fall out boy

i...

2008-05-01T04:41:00.000-07:00

...was about to book my flight when i realized i have already maxed out my credit card. :D anyway, i'll be leaving again for singapore about 2 weeks from now, and i'm still not quite ready to, because i know this time it would be months before i'd be going back home. april 20 is still so surreal to me, especially since i just arrived in manila that time and was trying to make up for my lack of sleep on the plane, when i had suddenly been awaken by a phone call telling me that i got the job i applied for. or rather, i was praying for. if you're as sleepy as i was then, you probably wouldn't have believed it was true either.

...just learned that my work pass has already been approved, which is kind of surprising since i only submitted the application form last week and that i thought it would take 3-4 weeks to be processed. so technically, i could start on my new job right now. gad, everything's happening so fast... and now i'm left with 2 weeks to shop, pack, be trained for independent living, and say my farewells.

...hate to admit it but i've been crying for 2 nights now... just cos i don't want to leave home. apparently, i have this attachment to places, and to everything they remind me of. i hate to leave home cos i'll miss my family, especially my mom. just the thought that i'd be away from her makes tears stream down my cheeks already (and yes, i'm sniffing right now, so make that 3 nights :D). sometimes i do ask myself if i'm making the right decision. and i'd like to believe that i am, and that i'm doing it for the right reasons too. hence, i will definitely leave home and just try to be a grown up about it.

...am a bit scared right now. because looking back, it does seem that everything i ever wanted, or prayed for dearly, has been granted to me (except maybe that highly improbable wish that i top the board exam, hahaha :D). i wished for my then-crush to like me and he did (and he became my boyfriend too, yay me!). i wished that i'd get in at the university i wanted with the course of my choice, and i did. i wished that i'd get accepted in this company i really liked, and i did. then i wished for that job abroad, THE job where i showed up for interview trying to look all smart and witty, and i got it. so how was that scary? well, my pessimist self is now bracing herself for the not-so-good fortune that might come her way to balance it. i do try to push that thought aside and just be happy and thankful for all these blessings, but sometimes i just get too paranoid, it's crazy. and so i shall remind myself more often: omnia in bonum, everything for the good.

...remember this quote i recited to my dad when he was discouraging me to work abroad, saying i wasn't ready:

there is a tide in the affairs of men
which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune
omitted, all the voyage of their life
is bound in shallows and miseries.
- julius caesar, william shakespeare

it's funny how just a few months ago, my father was even trying to bribe me not to work abroad, and now he's being supportive of it. :P i just hope he'd be based there as well so he'd be the one to pay the rent and cook for me.. i'm kidding, i'm kidding... well, i just miss him, and have been quite worried about him lately. so i really wish he'd get a high-paying job there that's enough to make him leave the job he has right now.

...need to drink my milk now and be off to sleep. so bye!

home!

2008-04-20T06:18:00.000-07:00

got home at around 6 in the morning. billboards along edsa have changed, but i'm too sleepy to stare.. or care. i still get the odd feeling of happiness of driving past edsa, C5, katipunan and commonwealth even though i was only half awake. i'm home, and my bed is waiting.

i've been on hiatus for 3 weeks now (and counting...) and in spite of not going to work, being in another country's had me missing my favorite shows. i regret not being able to watch AI, especially michael johns' last week in the show. i still wonder how other certain AI contestants got more votes than him. what a bummer. good thing there's youtube though, i was able to watch his performance as well as david cook's rendition of innocent. the latter was actually a proud moment for me cos finally, i heard one of OLP's songs being sung in a reality contest like that. and also since innocent was the first song i tried to make "kapa" on my drums when i was still dreaming of performing at acoustic jammeng'g back in college. (that didn't happen by the way. :D)

and then there are my other fave shows that i missed like project runway, ANTM and gossip girl... i know i have more favorite shows on disney channel but unlike these shows, etc doesn't really air reruns of series episodes from 3 weeks back. now i hate to do this but i may resort to buying dvds instead. you know which kind. :P (daniel, i know you can help me justify this! haha :D)

on another note, with regards to my career, some things didn't work out (such as my supposed stint at a manila-based company when i get back from my trip) as some things do (such as trying my luck and taking some risks which fortunately turned out to be in my favor). i know my "vacation" has gone longer than i hoped for, but everything's falling into place now. all's well that ends well, as shakespeare would say. and i'm extremely grateful for all the blessings the Lord has given me. so i'll try extra hard to be a good girl now cos i know i've been getting more than what i deserve. :)

now before i leave the country again to start my work as an ofw, i hope someone (named emman, hehe) would finally organize our beach getaway so we could all unwind and catch up. thanks! :D

excuse the emo moment

2008-03-25T08:13:00.000-07:00

i've been listening to a lot of dashboard lately... and somehow it's inevitable to feel lonelier than you already are when their songs are all you're hearing for hours on end (i'm too lazy to change my playlist, sue me :P). those from the swiss army romance album of course. :P here are some lines that make me want to wallow in the loneliness that is my life right now. haha. :D

this is incredible
starving, insatiable
yes, this is love for the first time
well you'd like to think that you were invincible
yeah, well weren't we all once
before we felt lost for the first time
well this is the last time
- the brilliant dance*

sooner or later this cold
it's gonna break and our hands will be warm again
but all i want is not to need you now
- turpentine chaser

so i'll hit the pavement
it's gotta be better than waiting
and pushing you far away
'cause i'm scared
so i'll take my chances
and head on my way up there
'cause turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten
- living in your letters

it is colder than it ought to be in march
and i still have a day or two ahead of me
til i'll be heading home into your arms again
and the people here are asking after you
it doesn't make it easier to be away
i'd like to hire a plane
i'd see you in the morning when the day is fresh
i'm coming home again
- a plain morning

when i'm back from the road
and you're out on it
and i'm tired of this distance
and i believe it's over-rated
and this phone tag game is endless
the novelty is wearing
i'm hoping time will pass
without any assistance or convincing
road rules apply
there's so much action, you're getting busy
so i'll call your cellular phone
to tell you tv night was lonely without you
and so am i...
it seems our day keeps falling on a leap year
- shirts and gloves

and have i mentioned they make me cringe too? :P

yet another leaving song

2008-03-12T10:02:00.000-07:00

come and see
i swear by now i'm playing time
against my troubles
i'm coming slow but speeding
do you wish a dance
and while i'm in the front
my play on time is won
but the difficulty is coming here

i will go in this way
and find my own way out
i won't tell you to stay
but i'm coming to much more
me

i'm begging slow i'm coming here
only waiting
i wanted to stay
i wanted to play
i wanted to love you
i'm only this far
and only tomorrow leads my way

- #41, dave matthews band

my saturdays won't be the same until you show up at my door and sweep me off my feet again.

i love you always, all ways. but for now, it'd be see you later. :'(

breaking up is hard to do

2008-02-23T06:18:00.000-08:00

this song kind of got stuck to my head since i heard this guy, who thought he looked like ellen degeneres, sing it in AI. didn't know then it would be my theme song a few days later.

i finally did it, finally got it over with, finally got it off my chest. it was hard, and i was so sick to my stomach as the "zero hour" drew near, and then it's over. and right now, i honestly dunno if it's worth it.

anne said that nothing's too perfect for one's appetite. and she's right. that's why sometimes we have to leave, even if that means getting out of our comfort zone. but i just need to make sure that i'm not heading for the worse. now am i swinging life away or what?

i thought it would be liberating, to finally talk to our boss about my intent to leave the company. i showed him my resignation letter, but he asked me to hand it in next week instead. so it's not completely official yet, i suppose. told him i'm sorry to leave and i wouldn't if i don't have to (as if i'm indispensable!) but he told me that if i have to do it to achieve my goal, then i have his support. and that's after telling me to just say if there's anything that can be done to keep me from leaving. if kindness could kill, i'd be dead. how heartbreaking is that?

well, now it's finally sinking in, that i'll soon be leaving my dear friends at work, and my kind boss. breaking up is indeed, hard to do. but it's a done deal. and i'm off some place where things are uncertain, and definitely challenging. and i guess i need to be gone for a while, because lately it seems like i've been hearing a lot of goodbyes (our dog basha died, she's been with us since i was 9 or 10 i think; close friends leaving for work and graduate school; acquaintances leaving before you even get to know more of them...) and sometimes i wish i'm not the one who gets left behind. but now that i think about it, it's probably just as hard for the person leaving too (ok, maybe not for your acquaintances).

i went shopping with angeli today, and it was fun spending time with her, despite our aching legs, being short on cash, and not being able to rely on ATMs when we needed them most - i can't believe i had to trade in $6 at the money changer just to ensure that i could get home! =s and when i did get home, while rummaging through the stuff i just bought, i realized that practically all the things i got, angeli has too (just different in color or print). i'd definitely miss how we'd text each other what blouse we'd wear so we won't be caught dead wearing the same thing on the same day. but more than that, i know i'll miss her company sorely. just as much as i'd miss sheila, lorraine, joy, jade, jp, and all the people i've come to be friends with. *sigh* :(

it's kind of scary not knowing if things are actually better in the place you're heading to. quoting our country manager: "manila: a world city. philippines: 7,107 tropical islands …why live anywhere else?" - now while i could think of a million answers to that, i still think there's no place like home, and home's here, so it's here where i should stay. anyway, i actually won't be gone long - i might, depending on how things work out. but for all we know, i'd probably be back home before you could say jack robinson (or "butterscotch... but say it real slow" :P).

the clock is ticking... one month to go. got to make the most of it.

first post of the year

2008-01-26T05:26:00.000-08:00

been very, very busy lately, and it sure seems A LOT has already happened when january's not even over yet. where do i start?

amid the chaos of preparing spreadsheets and reports, i've somehow managed to get my plans (you know, of swinging life away *wink, wink*) figured out and have actually taken some big steps to make them happen. but i prefer to keep mum about it at the moment, so that's all i can say for now. :D

my ebay package arrived last week! i'm not really a fan of ukay-ukay, or generally, second-hand stuff, so seeing the board games (MAD magazine finally! and another parker bros game) in good condition did make me feel relieved and glad! it also makes paying $40 for shipping quite worth it. :)

on other news, my chronic insomnia has really taken its toll on me, big time. i finally went to a neurologist, who showed up 3 hours past his schedule. i can't believe i waited til 9pm for a consultation, just to hear stuff i already know. what a waste of what could've been a perfectly fine weekend. oh well.

having this "psychological" illness does make me feel really down sometimes. i envy people who begin snoring minutes after they've slumped into bed. i used to be that person who could fall asleep anywhere, but now i sometimes have to take pills just to get a shut-eye. i do try not to drink these things unless i'm already desperate, which usually happens after attempting to sleep for 3 hours or so. needless to say, a night without having to swallow a pill is enough to make me one happy kid, even though i only get to sleep in measly proportions.

and then there's the news on heath ledger's death, which just made me even more sad and alarmed. especially when i've read some articles about his "sleepless nights".

"my body was exhausted and my mind was still going," said heath. it's funny how that's EXACTLY the same thing i tell people who inquire about my sleeping trouble. i wish i don't have these prescription pills (i.e., sleeping pills and anti-anxiety meds) beside my bed. but i just can't NOT have a ready supply of them, cos that would only make me all the more paranoid. oh, and i just have to point out that it's only my paranoia that's self-induced (and that's not even all the time), but my "mind racing" isn't. i hope certain people would understand that it's actually involuntary.

fortunately, i'm doing better now. i take less pills, which really gives my spirit a boost. :) i just hope it continues to get better, cos really, insomnia is the last thing i need on earth!

what else? hmm, i don't really feel like writing about how i blew up my credit card bill (cos it's just not fun), so i guess that would be all. :D

swing life away

2007-12-30T20:53:00.000-08:00

another year is about to unfold, and i've pretty much done all the usual things i do during this time of the year. watch while you were sleeping, check. watch martha stewart shows, check. meet up and dine out with friends, check. read people magazines, check. exciting isn't it? :D but what really kept me busy these past days was trying to have my ebay account verified so i can finally bid and buy stuff online (now my parents would love that! :P). sadly, all this time i've spent online didn't leave me much room to contemplate on what a year 2007 has been (or study hydropower stuff that i need to review for when i get back to work, yikes! =S).

i guess the one great thing about the new year is that it gives people a chance to start afresh and to have a list of resolutions, plans and what-have-you's. however, despite my fondness of listing and planning things, i only have one grand plan for the coming year (or years even... depending on how this plan goes). and that is to swing life away.

i don't really think of myself as the reckless kind, but i guess being a 20-something, who finally earned a college degree, and being at that point where i can (and have to!) finally decide what to do with my life, give me the feeling that i can actually do whatever i want, and that there's really nothing holding me back. except maybe the nagging voice in my head telling me that i better make the right move because whatever i decide to do will determine the rest of my life. :D

now how to arrive at the correct decision, that is the question. i dunno if there's really a fail-safe way on how to make the right choices, but i guess to answer that, one must first ask himself what he wants to achieve most in life - is it wealth, success, prestige, happiness, etc... well if you ask me, i'd answer happiness pointblank. as one friend pointed out, happiness is priceless. and the simple recipe to happiness is to follow your heart (nevermind how cliche-ish that sounds :P), which is actually the whole point of my grand plan. :)

we live on front porches and swing life away
we get by just fine here on minimum wage
if love is a labor, i'll slave til the end
i won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

thanks crazy for telling me how this should be my song. now let's just hope we don't crash and burn. i'm pretty confident we won't though. ;) happy 2008!

the best Christmas present

2007-12-24T06:29:00.000-08:00

it's almost Christmas! as some of you already know, i don't open my gifts til it's actually the 25th of december (i guess that's another proof of my knack for waiting :P). yep, even if it's a birthday/Christmas present and it's already past my birthday. i like the thrill of opening gifts and finding out what they are on Christmas itself (but unwrapped gifts are fine too :D).

anyway, as you might have read from my previous posts, i've come up with a wish list this year, and i know i said that i hope to get them all before the year ends. but the thing is, i don't really expect to. again, hoping is another thing. some of the items in my wish list are quite hard to find, which is precisely why i put them there. but there are things that i didn't include in it, that are actually some of my greatest wishes. one reason is that i have forgotten how much i wished for a certain thing because i've somehow felt that it's become a hopeless cause.

ironically, the best Christmas present i got had not been wrapped (hence, i didn't get the chance to wait til midnight to see it) and wasn't written in my wish list either. it's actually among those forgotten wishes i have.

about a year ago or so, i lost a certain rosary that i really treasured. that's because that rosary had been blessed by Pope John Paul II in 2002, which daniel gave me when he came back from rome for St. Josemaria Escriva's canonization. i wore it as a pendant (it's a ring rosary by the way), and i barely took it off. i wore it even when i know i'd be drenched in sweat (like in the rare occasions i joined laya people for a game of football at sunken :P). i just felt safe when i have it with me (there's a deeper reason on where that's coming from). so you could just imagine my horror when i found my necklace hanging on my neck, broken. i know i lost it at home, because i found out it's missing before i left for school or something. the thought that it had been flushed down the drain was a haunting theory on why i never found it again.

so this morning, when i saw it sprawled on the floor beneath the dining table, i was ecstatic! i couldn't believe that it's actually there, that at some point i even had doubts on whether it really is the rosary i've lost. but i also couldn't see a reason why it isn't. it's the only rosary we have at home that's as large as the one daniel gave.

so there, i'm happy, happy, happy! :) thanks Lord for giving it back, and for the greeting on my birthday :) thanks for all these strange, beautiful things, and for everything. and happy birthday too! :)

as a last note, i'd like to share with you some lines from a Christmas song to reflect on:
"long lay the world, in sin and error pining
til He appeared and the soul felt its worth"
let's not forget the real reason for all our merrymaking :) have a blessed and truly merry Christmas everyone! :)

birthday songs

2007-12-15T07:12:00.000-08:00

i'll be 23 soon. so soon in fact that it's only less than an hour left til my birthday. gad. i hate not being able to wait excitedly for it like i used to, because apparently i'm one of those few people who make a big fuss over their birthdays. =P

anyway, i just want to post an entry today, to mark the last day of my being 22. it kicked off with me taking an oath as a true blue civil engineer, and ends with me singing a few songs in my head:

"only two more days until your birthday..." - the saddest song // the ataris (well, it isn't exactly applicable today, but it was yesterday. =D)

"amazing still it seems, i'll be 23..." - 23 // jimmy eat world (the song that makes me think of bryan greenberg! *happy sigh* 8D)

"and that's about the time she walked away from me, nobody like's you when you're 23..." - what's my age again? // blink 182 (maybe this just applies to guys? :P)

and tomorrow, i shall sing this one:

"staying up til dawn won't take it its toll, til we get old..." - birthday song // ben lee (can't afford to do that actually, but at least i'll be awake at the crack of dawn. gotta catch the sunrise! *happiness* :D)

well, that's all i want to say, really. off to bed now!

my december wish list

2007-12-01T06:07:00.000-08:00

gad, i haven't braced myself for december - that is to say, i haven't switched to my excited mode yet. as i've said in one of my previous posts, i like waiting. but since november has quickly gone past, there's little room for that, and now it's december and i felt like i've been robbed of my precious waiting time :P oh well.

december is my favorite month of the year for a couple of good reasons: my birthday and Christmas =) and it's not just because i would be getting gifts or money, i love them simply for the special happy atmosphere they bring. but of course, it wouldn't hurt to receive some :P so this year i've come up with a birthday-slash-Christmas wish list (i'm usually given ONE gift for BOTH occasions anyway!) and i do hope to have them all by the end of the year. hahaha. :D

1. puma italia football jacket
2. mad magazine board game (i wish we hadn't lost our old one!=s)
3. calvin & hobbes and far side books
4. yellow espadrilles with the perfect heel height (around 2 to 2.5 inches)
5. a cute flowery black and white cocktail dress
6. U2's U218 singles album cd - got it! thanks jade!!!! :D
7. a cake cookbook
8. Christ is passing by by St. Josemaria Escriva
9. dinner at friday's at boni high (but i guess this would have to wait til sheila's back from australia)
10. road trip to tagaytay + coffee trip at bag of beans
11. have all my college friends present on my birthday dinner treat
12. have bibingka for breakfast while waiting for sunrise :)

all of a sudden i miss everyone

2007-10-28T02:27:00.000-07:00

lately, things that remind me of the good ol' past just keep popping up. last friday, i caught encino man at star movies. it's practically my most watched movie as a kid and i used to think pauly shore was the funniest guy ever. anyway, this whole ice preservation thing made me recall an article i read about cryonics and how they attempt to revive a dead person (e.g. ted williams) when they finally find a cure to that person's disease. personally, i think it'd be a futile one. but i'll leave them to their business. ok so much for that.. that's another story altogether. :D

i was also watching MTV the other day, and so i got to watch music videos of songs from high school. there's this song by texas that brought me back to my smash hits addiction days... smash hits was this costly magazine from the UK that i used to save money for, just so i could browse through these glossy pages with brit pop acts on them. smash hits was my version of people mag back then - but since i've outgrown my fancy for boyzone and other brit pop bands, i learned to spend my money on clothes instead. back 2 good from matchbox 20 was also played. i remember writing on my journal back in high school how this should be my sophomore barkada's theme song... just because i think we're sort of dysfunctional in a way. but despite the drama, i still think it was the most fun group i had in high school. ;)

then last night, a bunch of college friends showed up at our house as we finally pushed through with our game night. it was loads of fun to say the least. there were some instances too when we took a break from playing and told stories from our freshman year - ROTC, aggre variety show, blockmates we've lost touch with, etc... freshman year was probably the best year i had in college - when it's still quite like high school and you're this tightly knit group of naive freshies experiencing new things together. plus the subjects were not that complicated yet, let's not forget that. :D

it's the day after game night and i just have this hollow feeling... the kind one usually gets once the fun stops and it's a lazy day ahead. i wish we could keep on playing cards or whatever, drawing silly things on the loser's face, and that nobody has to go home. but of course that's too much to ask. :D anyway, here are some (before and after) pics from last night. browsing through these pics still makes me smile like an idiot. memories are not all traitors after all. :P
introducing... the UNIBROWS!

(guess who's the biggest loser! :P)
---
brooke: we should do this more often.
lucas: do what?
brooke: be friends.
lucas: we are friends.
brooke: but we should be friends.
lucas: i'd like that.

here's to making more beautiful memories... see you guys again soon (i hope)! :)

room 408

2007-10-18T04:22:00.000-07:00

you know how the idea of a long weekend makes one high with bliss - especially working people like me, since it's one of the very few vacations we get. well, i thought last thursday would be fun due to the 3-day rest ahead, but instead i found myself sobbing while walking along the halls of st. luke's, being watched by other patients who were probably wondering what disease i just learned i have. or not.

well i hate to disappoint, but i won't announce what it was. all i can say is that i needed to undergo surgery, and unfortunately it's not lipo (which would've totally worked to my advantage), as daniel had guessed. so there i was back at st. luke's friday afternoon, waited and wailed at the ER for what seemed like forever, just to be admitted, since there were no rooms available at that time. after 4 grueling hours of waiting, we finally got one, and i had my first shot at riding a wheelchair. =D

i was confined for 4 days, which was also a first by the way... or second, if that one night i spent in the hospital for throwing up because i ate penoy before dinner from when i was 5 counts. (i even remember my brother telling me to get well so we can watch sleeping beauty when i get home - how could i forget, it was one of the rare occasions he was nice to me!) anyway, despite missing the long weekend and not being able to go anywhere else, those 4 days turned out to be quite good - i guess more than the operation, i needed those 4 days to think out what has happened to me lately.

i know i've become a worse version of myself since i got out of UP - these new experiences have somehow made me "slip away". i remember telling anne how i've become worldly, and that's just not the kind of person i'd like to be. luckily, "life has a funny way of helping you out when you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face." and it was this operation which kind of woke me up, and it's not even because i thought i might die. but rather its being a major turning point for me. well, let's just say it's helped me clear my head and made me want to resolve my issues. :D

and then there are these recurring thoughts on marriage. haha :D i often joked about it with my friends, that i'd want to settle down soon for the lamest of reasons, but whatever. it's one of the best things that could happen to you, don't you think? :D well, i remember a priest saying why wait/postpone getting married if the only thing that keeps you from doing it is money/financial stability, or something like that. then when anne and her mom visited me just before i was brought to the OR, her mom said she would prefer to have grandchildren when she's still strong (and hence, not that old). then i dreamt of stephen colletti (probably because i keep seeing his ex in this neutrogena commercial) and brooke from OTH so i decided to do a one tree hill dvd marathon - and i could just melt watching nathan and haley and their high school marriage drama. *sigh*

also, this experience has made me realize yet again how blessed i am - especially with the friends i have. i'm really grateful to have these friends who kept checking on me and who'd go out of their way to visit me in the hospital, bring me some goodies and most importantly, include me in their prayers. i love you guys. <3

extraspecial thanks to the guy who kept watch on me for 3 nights while i was recuperating from my operation. i know i haven't given you enough recognition for all the things you did and are willing to do for me, so thanks. even with all the shenanigans that happened to us, you're still the guy i'd love to be with for "some coffee, or drinks, or dinner, or a movie... for as long as we both shall live." i love you always, all ways. :)

on a more lighter note, i've been watching a lot of teenick while i was confined (no disney channel, bummer), and i'd just have to say chase from zoey 101 is so cute! :D why does the guy-friend-secretly-crushing-on-the-lead-character always have a mop of curly hair? well, i just noticed a pattern: gordo from lizzie mcguire and this chase guy. anyway, i like them both. :P

well that's it. i could only wish my next operation is just as enlightening. =D

board exam blues

2007-09-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

last night i met up with crazy for some catching up on each other’s “boring” life over some frap and green tea bread (starbucks in katips is a lot more spacious and cozy now, btw). days before, he told me that he needed to hear “miraculous stories” about the board exam, and i assured him that i would come prepared for our agenda – that is, to convince him not to postpone his taking the board exam this november (but of course we talked about a lot more other than that ;D). anyway, he also noticed that i only post entries in this blog once a month, so for that i’m now writing my second one for september. :D and this is about… hello, the title already gives it away! =P

the board exam review, to put it bluntly, was really one hell of a ride – at least for me. i’d say that it was the 2nd thing where i exerted a great deal of effort in passing, among other subjects that i had in college (the subject i studied the hardest for was ES 12, just because i was a miserable kid back then and i decided i wanted to be part of the 30% who pass the course, just to compensate for my then miserable life =P).

anyway, i’d say that i was quite a delinquent “reviewee”, which wasn’t really hard to become, especially since i live far from our review school. i was never punctual (but so were our teachers sometimes :D), i didn’t take evaluation exams, and i did procrastinate a lot. my batchmates and i would hang out after class, usually squandering our money on arcade and movies or wasting the afternoon away on videogames. and of course, there’s the FIFA world cup that happens only every 4 years, how could i pass up on watching the matches? i even missed school for that. :D in short, i slacked off, because i thought i had more time than i actually needed, but apparently, i was wrong. to shake me off my being lax, i got so sick i thought it was the end of me, seriously! it still amazes me how i had managed to join my friends for ice skating that fateful day, even though i threw up twice prior to reaching the skating rink, and once after. and even though i didn’t go to school for a week, i couldn’t study either because i was really, really weak - i lived on soup and gatorade the whole while (which really had me worried cos it has tartrazine, an ingredient that is said to lower the IQ and thus, the last thing i needed). realizing that i had to make up for all that, i switched to the weekends class, because then i wouldn’t have to wake up early every single day, and be stressed from the morning traffic, but most importantly, because it would buy me more time to study. but i guess what i really needed was discipline. 2 months before the board exam, everybody already seemed to be at wit’s end from all the pressure, but luckily, daniel told me a quote that had since become my source of consolation:

to achieve great things, 2 things are needed: a plan, and not enough time. - leonard bernstein

well, i definitely got the “not enough time” part and all i needed was a plan, so i made one.

but really, i guess the thing that carried me through the whole review period and the board exam itself was my faith. my “plan” could only take me so far, but having put my hundred percent trust in Him was what really did it. before the 1st day of our board exam, i only got to sleep for 2 hours, because of my insomnia. and during my prayer i told Him that i don’t believe in statistics, or how my lack of sleep could rattle my brain and make me lose memory. but i believe in what He could do for me despite these misfortunes, so whatever it is, fiat. it was a miracle that i wasn’t feeling too weak that day, and even aced one of the 2 subjects. the next day for the structural eng’g part, i really spaced out on a lot of topics. but i kept praying the memorare, and sure enough after a few minutes, i recalled how things should be solved. but i think that the biggest miracle really is how easy the exam was, which i guess one could deduce from the number of topnotchers that time (unfortunately, i wasn’t one of them :D).

so that’s my story. so to you guys who are going to take the board, good luck with all the studying. and remember that it wouldn’t mean as much if you only do it for yourself. offer it up, it would be more meaningful that way – “that in all things He may be glorified.” and lastly, keep the faith. ;)

i've got... a bad idea that says i should shut my mouth =P

2007-09-14T07:41:00.000-07:00

so i WON'T be watching fall out boy next friday. and i didn't even have to think it over that much - because just like the many incidents in my life, it has all been decided for me. most of the time, i feel grateful that i don't have to make a choice, because i've just spared myself the decision making which usually entails frying my brain cells over these go or no-go dilemmas that have been thrown my way.

but sometimes i wonder if i'd be happier have i been given the chance to actually go either way.

well i had never openly admitted that i'm a fall out boy fan (until now of course) - one major reason for that is the constant teasing i get from a certain someone. =s (i just don't want to be called punk, that's all :D) but with myself being a big OTH fan, falling for FOB's catchy beat and clever lines was just inevitable (and just for the record, unlike other girls, i don't find pete cute =P).

when i learned they're going to have a concert here, i was torn - being the cheapskate that i am (yes, i still am!) i was a bit sad because i knew that i just couldn't bear to spend some cash on it. a friend even advised me to just spend my money on more important stuff, like shoes, clothes, or food. but then, it's a once in a lifetime chance, and i felt like grabbing it. so days of being indecisive passed, and then came the point that i don't have to decide anymore because: 1) it was impossible to get tickets for the friday concert, 2) crazy is off to mindanao the whole of next week, and 3) it's the proposed sked for our game night, and i'm supposed to host it (hopefully, we'll push through with it batchmates ;D).

so there, i'll miss the concert. and even though it relieved me that there's nothing more to think about since there's simply nothing i can do about it now, i can't really say i'm happy about it either. and it just made me realize a striking parallelism with some of the less trivial predicaments i've had in the past - not deciding on things, not admitting to something i really wanted, and then losing it - without even having to make a choice. because these things just "move along".

but to that i say, omnia in bonum, still - everything for the good. :) maybe i'm meant to watch the josh groban concert after all. haha. =P

of gloomy mornings and hot chocolates

2007-08-18T10:15:00.000-07:00

it's been raining hard for days but now it seems like all that finally came down to a halt. i dunno, but not hearing the rain pouring outside anymore made me a bit sad. apparently, i like the stormy weather. i've had my share of inconveniences (especially now that work doesn't exactly get "suspended") but what the hell, i still love it. :D it makes me want to just throw my shoes off, sit beside the window and sip hot chocolate. i remember having one such moment, actually. only, i was in misery that time (and the weather matched my mood) haha. but it's sweet misery, nonetheless. and i liked wallowing in it. :P

whenever i wake up to a rainy morning, one particular song automatically plays in my head - it's tuesday morning by michelle branch. it's a really gloomy song, desperate even. but i like it. :D probably because it just depicts everything i was feeling one august morning some years back. anyway, it's done and over with, and i'm happy now. but i still listen to that song whenever the weather calls for it :D and it still makes my heart ache a bit, but now, in a good way. :D

on another note, we finally got to do our coffee shop trip last night despite the weather! i really love hanging out at UCC (the one in MOA, btw)! 8D sitting at the balcony looking at the city lights lining the far edge of manila bay was just so relaxing. *sigh* i wish i could come there often. anyway, i was just ecstatic that by the end of the night, sheila, lorraine and i found ourselves heading to my house for an unplanned sleepover. it was so much fun (the roadtrip especially :P)! we missed angeli though, boo :(

well, it's just amazing what this weather could bring about (and by that i don't mean the calamities of course)... i wish one day i'd get the chance to do that watching the rain/sipping hot chocolate thing again. makes me giddy just thinking about it. haha :D

i remember, stormy weather
the way the sky looks when it's cold
and you were with me
content with walking
so unaware of the world

please don't drive me home tonight
'cause i don't wanna feel alone
please don't drive me home tonight
'cause i don't wanna go
tuesday morning
in the dark
we were finding out
who we are

perfect. :) well, nuff said. :P

2007-07-22T06:34:00.000-07:00

as some of you already know, i’ve been kind of into cooking and baking and dreaming of putting up a low-key quaint little resto in an obscure part of the city… so during weekends, i try to whip up yet another dessert in my checklist of selected goodies from my grandmother’s italian cookbook (and sadly, that’s where most of my money goes to, these things aren’t cheap you know). so last night i tried making a cassata, a three layered cake (or was it ice cream in a baking pan?) and the only thing in my to-make/bake list that's closest to chocolate mousse which my friend from work had suggested before.

so anyway, here’s how it looks from the book:
and here’s how mine looks:
bummer, right? i left it in the freezer overnight and when i woke up in the morning, i wasn't even that excited about it, cos i kind of knew that it wouldn’t be as good as how it should’ve been. maybe because i didn’t really painstakingly follow every procedure in the cookbook? like that time where i chose to beat the mixture instead of just stir, or when i said “tama na yan” when i should’ve continued beating "until firm peaks form”. but i guess the major mistake i made was using an improvised “pan” instead of the required deep 8” pan since we don’t really have a pan that’s deep enough to contain the 3 layers of this fattening dessert. so like my failed past first-time attempts, it didn’t exactly turn out good. but oh well. we move along, as the song goes. i’ll probably try making this dessert again because, well for one, i love cherries and almonds. but perhaps when i finally have a decent pan and a heavy-duty mixer. oh by the way, some of the credit goes to raymund, who helped me prepare this dessert (he made a “retaining wall” for our improvised pan) even if it took us near midnight to finish. =D

well, that’s all. too bad for my guinea pigs though - i decided not to bring any at all as i don't think it will reach you guys whole. i'll just make something that doesn't melt next time. =D SONA tomorrow, just imagine how long it'd take me to get to makati. goodness.

2007-06-21T06:21:00.000-07:00

i would like to think our paths are straight
disconnected from choices we make
that there is no reason why it can't be like you said
one day it's gonna happen
i don't know when, i'll be on your street
but i know one day it's gonna happen
you're gonna be swept off your feet

happy birthday to one of my most favorite people on earth :D i hope you do get swept off your feet, crazy ;)

miss you.

random things

2007-06-16T10:11:00.000-07:00

1) i just received 2 compliments (or at least that's what they seem to me :P) from 2 pretty girls today, and well, it just made me so happy :D i told a guy friend (who happens to be my former boyfriend by the way) about it, and he told me that those were exactly the traits that draw him to me. and i just smiled at the thought. i still get surprised at how others see me, even though i kind of get pretty much the same impressions from people. anyway.

2) i'm reading a new book, which hopefully i'd get to finish soon. :D i just came from a retreat last weekend, and as soon as i got the chance, i bought the book which the priest said he recommends "for every girl to read". that's enough to get me intrigued (even if the priest already gave away the ending :D) and search the racks of powerbooks and national bookstore. apparently, it wasn't easy to find. when i finally found a copy, i even hesitated for a while there, because the cover is just so... bland. you know, not even an illustrated cover, or a summary at the back. it just has the title on it. but since i already spent more than an hour looking for it, i decided to buy it, thinking that it was the only way i'd get to read the book. but then on my way home i remembered project gutenberg and that daniel had already downloaded those ebooks, and i could've probably just have him print it and buy it from him... but that would've taken a lot more time. and i still wouldn't get my illustrated cover. =S so anyway, if you're a girl you might want to grab a copy too. ;) of course at the moment i can't say if it's really a must-read for every girl, but if you're interested, the book is far from the madding crowd by thomas hardy. :)

3) i really like the new dashboard song. it's even kind of providential how i got attached to it. i've heard it before but it didn't really register enough for me to search it. but last tuesday on my way to the mrt, it was played on the radio and since it's obviously dashboard, i stopped my brother in time just when he was about to change stations. then when i got to work, one officemate told us that he had some new mp3s which we might want to copy and there it was! then when i got home, it was played during the prom scene in one tree hill, which was actually a rerun of last week's. and to think i was a bit bummed at first to find out that etc's airing the same episode. :P but when i heard it i was like, yep, that's exactly why i had to watch that again. :D

well that's all i guess. i'm just pretty relieved i'm back to writing nonsense. :P

some you give away

2007-06-02T12:03:00.000-07:00

"don't ever tell anybody anything. if you do, you start missing everybody."

it was a quote from one of my favorite books, catcher in the rye. that line didn't exactly strike me when i first read the book, because well, i guess i was a (slightly) different person back then, and it just didn't apply to me. but now it does.

defense mechanism. i think i had a talent for that. which just explains why i agree with the above quote: don't tell anybody anything. prevention is better than cure. lock yourself up in your room. these were probably the mottos that my subconscious live by.

when crazy sent me this quote, i suddenly realized how much i’ve changed. or how there’s now a different side of me that not so many people know of. let me explain:

i’m that type of person who remembers small details, which for others are probably little meaningless things (sadly, this does not necessarily equate to having good memorization skills). i’m a sentimental junkie and sometimes i feel like my heart is too big for me (these are just my thoughts though, and it’s ok if you think otherwise since we’re all entitled to our own opinions :D). i remember one episode of gilmore girls where lorelai kept rory’s “dean box” (dean was rory’s first boyfriend) and told her how she’d regret it someday if she decided to throw it. apparently i’m like lorelai. i’m so sentimental that i have 3 big drawers (about 1m wide each) and a couple of small ones filled with all sorts of memorabilia. i keep all the letters i get (ok, except for one which i burned because it was from a guy who turned out to be jerk, and the other one i returned to the guy who gave it to me), even dinner receipts and small notes. i don’t want our house renovated because it simply just won’t be the same. i told a friend how i’m not fond of changes and he concluded that i’m just scared to move out of my comfort zone, and he’s right. i just don’t want to think of it that way. anyway, i used to wear my heart on my sleeve too. but since i’ve become good at this defense mechanism thing, i try to keep things to myself instead.

but recently i made a stupid mistake of opening my mouth (or rather letting my thumb send a text message) which made things more complicated for me. don’t ever tell anybody anything. i shouldn’t have let my guard down but i guess it’s bound to happen anyway, sooner or later. fortunately, i’ve mustered enough courage to speak up again, but this time just to iron things out. so i’m a bit relieved now. and then one night it just dawned on me that the person i miss is gone, for the moment or maybe completely, and that it’s time to move on. or at least not to keep my hopes up and my fingers crossed that he’s going to sweep me off my feet again.

so there. overshare, i know :P hopefully i’ll be back to posting about trivial stuff next time. :) otherwise, i’d probably diagnose myself as depressed, symptoms of which include blogging, according to allison in the tv series freddie. :D speaking of, i just remembered that i did plan to watch she’s all that again. just what i need. chick flicks cheer me up, what can i say… :P

feeling a moment

2007-05-24T05:29:00.000-07:00

( happy-ness )

i can't believe what i was hearing, did they really play the feeder song in the awarding ceremony? and in athens?! cooool =D (it was better than watching the AI finale, by the way :D)

2007-04-25T05:25:00.000-07:00

i haven't really kept track of the uefa matches, but i learned 2 weeks ago that ac milan, the team i'm rooting for, would be up against manchester united for the semis. it seems like everyone's expecting man u to win, so fortunately for them, man u didn't disappoint.

saw the news this morning, and i immediately emailed julius a sad face and the link that made my heart sink. he replied just before office hours were over, saying that he got to watch the game and that his favored teams were actually man u (so unlike me, he's happy) and chelsea. i don't really care who wins between liverpool and chelsea although i must admit i'm more of a liverpool fan because of gerrard. :D well, what can i say, julius and i just never rooted for the same team. =S

anyway, i caught the 2nd half of the milan-man u match when i got home, with milan in the lead. and i just felt worse, because i already knew that they were going to lose. saw kaka's 2 futile goal attempts after already scoring 2 goals for milan earlier in the game. then rooney scored man u's 2nd goal and well... i just remembered how much i don't like (again, hate is a strong word) the guy! especially in the world cup last year when he was sent off with a red card in england's game against portugal. hmph. anyway, i just hate how he had to be the one who'd score the winning goal for man u IN THE LAST MINUTE! now i know how julius felt when france lost. =P

*sigh* my only consolation is that i got to see pirlo again. but! there's still the 2nd leg. and hopefully it's milan who'd be in the finals. ;)

just plugging :D

2007-04-24T05:33:00.000-07:00

well, i've been kind of hooked on watching music videos at youtube lately, which isn't exactly good cos i'm practically in front of the pc the whole day. ugh. =S anyway, i found a video of one of my fave songs by my favorite band EVER, our lady peace. :) and just like OTH, i don't get tired of watching it (or raine maida's face ;P) i just love love love the song! i even did my music paper on it, for my humanities class some 3-4 years ago. and it's actually one of those very few songs that give me butterflies in my stomach and make a stream of memories resurface in my head.

we laid underneath the stars, strung out and feeling brave
i watched the red orange glow, i watched you float away

*sigh* it's bittersweet. :D

anyway, if you're my classmate in hum2 and have really good memory, you'd probably know what song i'm referring to. if not, check out my friendster account and watch it on my media box. well, that's all. :D gotta go!

ps: i kind of remember a friend saying there's a version of the move along video (all american rejects) with hilarie burton in it, but i can't find it! so if you happen to see it, kindly text/email/IM me the url. thanks! :)

Gonzalez Hall

2007-04-21T05:47:00.000-07:00

a friend once asked me what i miss most about college, and the first thing that comes to my mind was hanging out at the main lib. yep, i used to go there quite often. i’d really rather study there than in the eng’g lib... i dunno, i guess with eng’g lib, you just feel the pressure more, why with eng’g students as your company! :P i just prefer the more laidback atmosphere in the gen ref section of the main lib. the only downside would be getting distracted from actually studying. :D the gen ref section just has the most interesting books – the birthday book as our favorite. i don’t even know what the name of that book is, you’d just recognize it as the bulky blue (or was it red? can’t even remember!) book that has your personality and whatnots written there, based on the day you were born. pong was even amazed at how accurate the details were, as if everything written about his personality was correct, until he realized he was reading the wrong birthday. :P anyway, another book i get tempted to read was that on supernatural stuff. and since reading such books gives me the heebie jeebies, i haven’t really read much of it. :D

anyway, i’m not really a bookworm but as a kid, i used to dream of having a library as grand as belle’s in beauty and the beast. :D i also fancy joe fox’s bookstore in you’ve got mail, with the coffee bar and all.
crazy took this picture and gave it to me as a grad gift. obviously, main lib doesn’t come close to fox books or that library in beast's castle, aestheticwise. and the closest thing it has to a coffee bar is a vending machine. =P but i guess i just love the general ambiance of it. main lib does have its charms. :)

now if i could figure out a way to get in main lib again... :D

the waiting game

2007-04-14T01:37:00.000-07:00

i guess you can say i'm the type who usually forgets to live in the present. i like to plan things, and i don't mind waiting. actually, i like it. it’s weird how i get overly excited about a big event but be ever so nonchalant about it on the day itself.

i've read f. scott fitzgerald’s the beautiful and damned and this line just struck me:
“things are sweeter when they’re lost. i know – because once i wanted something and got it. it was the only thing i ever wanted badly, dot. and when i got it, it turned to dust in my hands... i’ve often thought that if i hadn’t got what i wanted things might have been different with me. i might have found something in my mind and enjoyed putting it in circulation. i might have been content with the work of it, and had some sweet vanity out of the success. i suppose that at one time i could have had anything i wanted, within reason, but that was the only thing i ever wanted with any fervor. and that taught me you can’t have anything, you can’t have anything at all. because desire just cheats you. it’s like a sunbeam skipping here and there about a room. it stops and gilds some inconsequential object, and we poor fools try to grasp it – but when we do the sunbeam moves on to something else, and you’ve got the inconsequential part, but the glitter that made you want it is gone.”

i guess this explains why i relish more in the waiting than the event itself. but i don’t want it to be the case – i don’t want to lose the “glitter”. but it seems that at some point, it’d be inevitable, and that scares me. =S

anyway, i realized how engrossed i can be - thinking about the future, planning things, waiting, dreaming... (i am the star, after all!=P refer to previous entry) that i fail to see what’s in front of me, what’s happening at the moment.

"every day you wait is another day you'll never get back."

well, that just knocked some sense into me. and so, i resolve to multitask! :D to still wait, still (day)dream, but to remember to seize the day as well (have i not learned anything from horace?=P) and just how, i dunno. but it will come to me. :)
---
oh, btw! i finally cut myself some slack and bought a cute top from that store at glorietta that we always pass by on our way to the MRT. i've been eyeing it for weeks (have i mentioned i like to wait?=P) and i told my friend that if nobody's bought it yet til our next pay day, i'd buy it na. i was even wishing that it wouldn't look good on me when i try it on so i wouldn't have to spend some cash, but... well, nuff said. =P

2007-04-13T22:27:00.001-07:00

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

what a cheapskate.

2007-03-31T05:37:00.000-07:00

well i hate to admit it but the symptoms are obvious. i have become a cheapskate.

it started when i learned that my expenses on food and fare won't be "subsidized" anymore, since i earn my own money now anyway. i was so down for a while cos i've already planned how i'd spend it =P but... i decided to snap out of it and that's when i discovered i'm a great accountant. :D

anyway, i save money every chance i get by:
1. having my brother drive me to the MRT (or even to makati) at least twice a week
2. bringing my own lunch (tastes better too)
3. not going out much... and sadly at times, not at all, unless i could hitch a ride home :D

it's kind of sad how poor i've become when i started working. =S it was easier when i didn't have any cash on me - i just ask for things and i usually get them. i remember how my aunt would "sponsor" my starbucks trips so i could study there in peace for the board exam. i miss it. and my other guilty pleasures. =S it's hard having to spend the money that you've worked for... sheesh, i've become... my dad! =P actually raymund told me that. he knows how my dad doesn't like installments, credit cards and the like. well they don't appeal to me too. my philosophy has always been, if you don't have the money, then don't buy it. i don't want to have "more bills than i can pay". but i don't save up just so i have something in the bank. i do plan to spend it next year, and for some people dear to me. so hopefully i won't lose the momentum. and for that, i'll do my utmost to stray from things that might throw me off track. like movies, dining out, and spa... this is the life! *sob*

on another note, i'd have to say that it's just timely to deny one's self of guilty pleasures because it's holy week once again - a time for penance and sacrifice. but as i've explained to a friend before, you don't do it to save money. if someone fasts or abstains to get slimmer or to save up, then he should have rectitude of intention. so why do we do these things anyway? the answer is detachment (actually, i got this from the meditation with the priest just this afternoon :D). so there. :)

anyway, i'm listening to dashboard again, and i just remember that i have this post last year about Lent. and if you're wondering what's dashboard got to do with my thoughts on Lent, then read on. :D ciao! :)

numbers and figures

2007-03-25T04:41:00.000-07:00

i suppose everybody thinks of the what-ifs in life. well i do -- countless of times. but the thought that actually keeps recurring to me is this: what if i didn't pass the UPCAT?

for one, i won't be a civil engineer today. i might've gone to ateneo and took up european studies, or to UST and took up biology.

but then, as years passed since taking those college entrance exams, i'm convinced now that i'm exactly where i'm meant to be. and i don't dare think about the what-ifs anymore regarding that matter. why? check these out. :)

my birthday: dec. 16
[on my school] oblation run, a signature event in UP: dec. 16 (unless the date falls on a weekend)
[on my college] eng'g week: 2nd-3rd week of december (usually includes my birthday)
[on my course] our CE oathtaking: dec. 16, 2006

and if you haven't figured out yet, my favorite number is 16! :P
point of info: i'm the 1916th in the list of 2065 november '06 CE board passers. and yeah, 1916's the year the civil engineering curriculum became a BS course in UP (history check here :D).

well, these figures may not mean much but just thinking about all these coincidences makes me feel that i really was meant to be in UP and be a civil engineer at that. ;)

a long overdue OTH post :D

2007-03-23T07:08:00.000-07:00

recently, i bought myself a set of one tree hill DVDs. yes, i know i should've bought these ages ago considering i'm a big OTH fan and all but i was kind of hoping that my aunt would buy them for me but she didn't, so... anyway. i've been watching it on weekends, browsing through episodes and... i just don't get tired of it! :D funny thing is, OTH didn't appeal to me AT ALL when i first heard about it. i remember my aunt sending me this WB magazine where they feature the casts from some WB TV series, and she told me to check out everwood (because she knows that i kinda like emily vancamp) and one tree hill. then ETC started airing it. i didn't catch the pilot episode so i couldn't really follow, nor did i attempt to :P i guess that's why i wasn't very fond of it then, i didn't know the story... and that they have such awesome songs! 8D i got the chance to watch the pilot episode when ETC aired reruns and i decided to give it another shot. what really turned me around was this scene where peyton was driving and almost hit lucas because she was grabbing a cd from the floor of her car while hands down [dashboard confessional] was blasting from her stereos (*sigh* i love that song :D) and well, that's what pretty much got me to watch it. :D

anyway, i love peyton, as some people might've already guessed (i posted a pic of her in my friendster account before :D) cos i find her character the one that's most similar to mine, in terms of interests i mean. :P she’s into music and art, which i guess any “punk and disorderly” person would be into as well. not that i fit any of those descriptions… i’m just a bit punk i guess (which i hate to admit even when raymund used to tease me about it), and a bit disorderly, at least when it comes to my room :P anyway, i just think i'm a bit like her. ok, some might beg to differ cos i look like this almost too girly and reserved person but looks can be deceiving too you know. ;) anyway, there's this one time when i've convinced myself that i AM like her. it was family day and there's a contest where the dads were tested on how much they know about their daughters. and my dad was asked what my best talent is and he said that i draw well. (ok, that's already 1 big point for this why-am-i-like-peyton evaluation :P) then they asked him my favorite color, and he said black. and i'm like, no it isn't. it's yellow! hello? i wore a yellow gown on my debut, didn't i?? is there any more of a hint than that? and then i thought about it. why did he think it's black? then i remembered that he used to ask me if something's bothering me whenever he'd find me in my room alone listening to my cds. was it my aura? or maybe it's just because i wear a bit too much black :D ehm... yeah, that might be it! :P

anyway, i'm a jake-peyton fan so naturally i watched those episodes where the two have their "moments" and skipped the others :P the first episode i watched the moment i got my DVDs was don't take me for granted, where i first heard the song 23 [jimmy eat world]. everytime i hear it i remember this scene where it was played - that is when peyton was about to do something stupid (i.e., buy drugs) because she felt all messed up and lonely, then jake came walking along and peyton's face brightened up. 8) i also like the episode unopened letters to the world, where the students of tree hill high were asked to say something - anything - for the time capsule project. that's also when jake and peyton had their first date, which i think is really cute since they've practically been more than friends for a long time but were just about to go on their first official date, and this song do you feel love [people people] just sets the mood perfectly. :)

peyton and jake's lines in the time capsule:
peyton: i lost my way, a little bit, this year. but... lately it's been better. you know, it's pretty amazing how... temptation can be silenced by a ray of hope.
jake: ok, so... i'm a single father... and until recently, a high school dropout. and i'm going on my first date since my daughter was born. am i a great catch or what?

but my favorite episode ever is season 3's everyday is a sunday evening (also the title of my first post in this blog, btw! :D). this is when peyton headed to savannah to see jake. prior to that, i recall peyton's dad saying "promise me that when you pick the boy you're really gonna be with, that he'll be someone who respects you and treats you well. that it's someone who makes your heart race and that he's someone who you love because of what he is, not what he does... that's how i want you to feel one day... use your head and follow your heart." kind of a meet joe black deja vu right there, isn't it? :) anyway, it was a surprise that peyton went to see jake -- the first time i watched it i hadn't braced myself for a jake reappearance in OTH! :D anyway, even with lucas not in the episode, jake and peyton's cheesy moments more than made up for it. well i won't describe the details anymore, you should just watch it... especially that part after their little argument about "every song ends, but that's no reason not to enjoy the music". i swear, i could just melt right then!! *sigh* <3

and with a great episode such as this comes a great quote:
nathan: every once in a while people step up, they rise above themselves. sometimes they surprise you, and sometimes they fall short. life is funny sometimes, it can push pretty hard, but if you look close enough you find hope in the words of children, in the bars of a song, and in the eyes of someone you love. and if you're lucky, and if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back.

anyway for me, the lovely song, that is the jake-peyton love team, has ended. OTH is reviving this lucas-peyton thing and so jake had to be out of the picture. oh well. i'm still rooting for jake though, even if it's already a hopeless cause.
---
from over the hills and far away:
jake: peyton i’m sorry. i don’t want you to go. but your father told you to follow your heart and he’s right. as much as it kills me to say it, i think you need to follow it home.
peyton: but what if you’re wrong? what if i go back and my heart just aches for you like it has for months now?
jake: well then i’ll still be here. if it's meant to be, we'll be together.
peyton: ...someday.

sappy, i know! :D so, is he a great catch or what? :P
*sigh* i wish i'll have my jake someday. <3

to my 2 genius friends

2007-02-24T06:39:00.000-08:00

i always knew we'll conquer the world ;D
and have i ever told you guys that i love you?

well i do, so take care.
and i'll miss you, whether it's only a month or a couple of years...
but no goodbyes, only see you later ;) God bless.

* ci vediamo :) *

don't they go by in a blink?

2007-02-19T04:09:00.000-08:00

i was late this morning. well, it wasn't the 1st time, but today i was half an hour late. apparently, it was traffic. and i was like, what do you expect, it's monday. i was even singing tori amos' i don't like mondays in my head ("i want to shoot the whole day down... shoot it all down..."), while still being optimistic about getting to the MRT at 7. but when i found myself still stuck in commonwealth after 20 mins, i knew there must be a commotion somewhere.

then my brother, who was driving me to quezon ave, got a text from our mom that a taxi driver was shot in commonwealth, hence the traffic. it made me cringe just hearing that someone died of murder, but it didn't really register in my feeble mind that we'd actually see it. well, we did. or at least my brother saw the whole thing. as we inched closer to the site, my brother told me not to look, so i didn't. i thought i'd be brave enough but as i saw that the front part was facing us, and the corpse still there, i covered my eyes just in time not to see the dead man's face. and i had goosebumps for like a minute and cried for no specific reason, which just made my colds worse.

well, i guess i'm just always scared to hear of people dying. i mean, we could die any minute, in a blink, just like that. and then what?

back in college, i remember a friend saying how death is so final. and i also remember telling him how i was scared to die because i haven't gone to confession yet (that time) and he told me, that's why we should make sure that we are always in the state of grace. and though i try to do that for myself, i worry about my loved ones... like in this dream i had some weeks back. in the dream, it was a Good Friday, and all that was happening implied that the coming Easter, would be the last Easter, and then, it would be judgment day. and there i was worried sick trying to figure out how to tell my family, my aunts, everyone... then i got to watch Constantine some days after the creepy dream and this dialogue between Gabriel and Constantine kept ringing in my head:

G: you still trying to buy your way into heaven?
C: what about the minions i've sent back? that alone should guarantee my entry.
G: how many times have i told you? that's not the way this works.
C: why, haven't i served Him enough? what does He want from me?
G: only the usual. self-sacrifice. belief.

G: you're handed this precious gift, right? each one of you granted redemption from the Creator - murderers, rapists, molesters - all of you just have to repent, and God takes you into His bosom. in all the worlds and all the universe, no other creature can make such a boast, save man.
---
ehm, what am i trying to drive at, exactly? well, i guess, at how lucky we are. in a few days it will be Lent again. perhaps it would be best if we try to contemplate what it is about, and hopefully grow deeper in love with Christ. God bless, everyone. :)

2007-02-10T01:57:00.000-08:00

so it's feb. i barely noticed how close valentine's is already, when i'm not even the busiest person these days. =P i was usually on a pre-valentine high when february hits, but not this year... maybe because i'm not in school anymore, i don't see much of those valentine gimmick ads that bulletin boards are normally bombarded with. or maybe because i'll be going straight home and just have dinner with my mom on the 14th because i don't have any date. don't feel sorry for me though, i do have plans on the 13th and 15th. ;)

UP fair next week. kind of sucks when i have to wake up at 5 in the morning the next day... but it's ok (i guess) even if i miss all the great bands (cos i'll probably just stay for 3 hrs :D), i'll see my friends again anyway. it's the company that matters. :)

anyway, i got to read last year's Sieve feb issue again, which made me laugh (pong's valentine's day humbugs), reminisce (kuya rodel's hirit lang po!) and ponder on some stuff (well, the rest of the articles there) such as this:

"what about love?"
"overrated. biochemically no different from eating large quantities of chocolate."
- kevin lomax & john milton, the devil's advocate

well, that's all i guess. i wish everyone a happy valentine's day! :)
if things are not looking up, grab some chocolates. ;)

nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute, final way.
what you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything. it will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.
-pedro arrupe

i'm wide awake, it's morning

2007-01-19T14:15:00.000-08:00

had it been a weekday, at this time - past 6am, i'd be on my way to work. but it's saturday, and i should be sleeping... unfortunately, i still get insomnia attacks and i actually don't understand how that's possible when i was practically half asleep a mere 6 hours ago. i even have had my frap decafed. *sigh* i need medical help. =S

i met up with some college friends for dinner last night. i was actually reluctant to go because of prior commitments but i still did. i dunno if it's a good decision though, as far as my sleeping habits are concerned. anyway, it was nice to see everyone again and do some catching up, whether it be on work or on somebody's love life. :D i was especially glad and surprised to see one of my dearest friends, crazy, at starbucks katipunan even though i kind of knew that there's a pretty good chance of catching him there on a friday night. we were like crazy idiots jumping and hugging each other amidst the crowd. :D i guess we really did miss each other. ;)

*sigh* i dunno why i get so nostalgic sometimes, it makes me feel terribly sad. :( i was still with daniel and carlos past midnight and found myself heading to manila to drop carlos home. i realized that even espana had its charms and i suddenly missed going to our review school and to St. Jude. :(

oh well. memories are traitors, somebody said. now i really need to sleep so i don't get any more nostalgic than i already am. *sigh* a good night's sleep is hard to come by. =S

2006-12-29T10:58:00.000-08:00

chaque fois que tu ton va
je pretend que tu fais bien

i always do.

one of these days

2006-12-28T06:05:00.000-08:00

i got my starbucks planner last week, yay! but not so... because as i flipped through its pages, i realize that i don't have that much to write because... i just don't have any plans. nothing coming up, each passing day seems more and more mundane as the year ends.

my tita and cousins already left for baguio yesterday and i should be traipsing around baguio with them right now, but no. my dad didn't permit me this time. his flight was today so there's no way i could leave before him, or not be there to take him to the airport.

anyway, i'm just bummed, that's all. i guess that explains why i baked, two days in a row. i was so bummed i visited martha stewart's website and looked for recipes. :D

and then i also watched meet joe black, which raymund gave me for Christmas. it was good -- insightful and clever. made me ponder on some lines. well, might as well share them here. ;)

william parrish talking to his daughter:
"i want you to get swept away, i want you to levitate... i want you to sing with rapture and dance like a dervish, be deliriously happy... i know it's a cornball thing but love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. i say fall head over heels. find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. and how do you find him? well forget your head and listen to your heart. i'm not hearing any heart. because the truth is, there's no sense in living your life without this. to make the journey and not fall deeply in love... well, you haven't lived a life at all. but you have to try. because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived... stay open. who knows, lightning could strike."

william parrish and joe black talking:
joe: i don't care bill. i love her.
bill: how perfect for you, to take whatever you want because it pleases you. that's not love.
joe: then what is it?
bill: some aimless infatuation which, for the moment, you feel like indulging. it's missing everything that matters.
joe: which is what?
bill: trust, responsibility, taking the weight for your choices and feelings, and spending the rest of your life living up to them. and above all, not hurting the object of your love.
joe: so that's what love is according to william parrish?
bill: multiply it by infinity, and take it to the depth of forever, and you will still have barely a glimpse of what i'm talking about.
joe: those were my words.
bill: they're mine now.

bill parrish giving a speech on his birthday:
"i thought i was going to sneak away tonight. what a glorious night! every face i see is a memory. it may not be a perfectly... perfect memory. sometimes we've had our ups and downs, but we're all together. and you're mine for a night. and i'm going to break precedence and tell you my one candle wish: that you would have a life, as lucky as mine, where you can wake up one morning and say, 'i don't want anything more.' 65 years. don't they go by in a blink?"

susan parrish and joe black:
susan: what will we do now?
joe: it will come to us.

-----
well i'm a sucker for these quotes, what can i say... :D

anyway, i'm still bummed. i just miss those things i used to do during the Christmas break. like watching disney on ice and dining out with friends. now i just bake, watch tv and read. i've read some posts i wrote last december and it just made me miss college even more. =S

but there may be hope for me yet. you never know... lightning could strike. ;)

bring me back my narcolepsy

2006-12-19T01:08:00.000-08:00

it's way past board exam and i still have trouble sleeping. i used to be insomniac-slash-narcoleptic, now i'm just insomniac, period. lately, i've been trying to sleep before 1am, to avoid catching lizzie reruns that i've probably watched at least 4 times each. i've come to this resolution when i remembered my drum instructor asking me if he'd die without having slept for 2 days, and decided that i don't want to be wondering the same thing. and to spare myself the bloodshot eyes. and eyebags.

anyway, i turned 22 recently. our oath taking fell on the same date as my birthday and... well, it was underwhelming, to say the least. it felt like i was wasting the precious afternoon just sitting there, and standing occasionally when asked. super traffic pa. i wish it could've been any other day than my birthday, but oh well. plans changed as my parents decided to eat somewhere close to home instead of dining at this italian resto i suggested before. so we ended up at dencio's ayala heights. which turned out to be good, nevermind that it's not fine dining at all. the view was breathtaking, and there's a fireworks display nearby, so yay!:) and while hanging at our garden later that night, i saw a shooting star, which really made my day. 8D it felt even more special catching just one on my birthday, than when we saw about 5 while stargazing at the beach last summer.

speaking of, we haven't gone to the beach yet :( i guess that plan's less likely to materialize as the year ends. everyone's busy with/looking for work. it's sad. :(

Christmas in a few days... i can't believe december is fleeting, and fleeting fast. i wish time could just stand still for a little while. just so i could savor it more. "it's the most wonderful time of the year" after all. ah, time! i need it! i haven't even had the chance to renew my driver's license last week. could you believe i've had one for 3 years already? me neither! :D and i wish i'd also have the time to hang at starbucks again, to bury my nose in a book, and not for ordering take-out fraps just to complete my stickers. hey, my Christmas wish-list is getting less and less materialistic each year!

and yes, i wish to be narcoleptic again. at least until i'm employed. :D

it does have a nice ring to it

2006-11-23T06:37:00.000-08:00

i'm an engineer now! woohoo! i wish i can say i was ecstatic about it... well for a while i was, when we've learned from doc lazaro that all of us from UP passed. and that was a few hours before anything else was published. 9pm - results were out. top ten. i didn't make it. we should be celebrating but some of us were sulking (moi included :D) in spite of the fact that we ARE now engineers - that title we've dreamt of attaching to our names since we were little kids playing lego (or maybe that's just me =P). questions flooded my head, but basically it boiled down to "what's my 5th mistake?!?" i felt awful, being so close yet so far. 1 correct answer short and you're off the list. why can't i ever be lucky with multiple choice, the damn answer is already there! 4 answers out of complete guess, all of which were wrong, and apparently another one, that 5th one which i guess i'll never know. ugh. i hate how i was being such a brat about it when i've never even expected to be in the top ten. sure, i've dreamt about it, but expecting is another thing. i'm such a pessimist when it comes to these things but for some cosmic reason, i was suddenly crossing my fingers. oh well. thankfully a lot of people knocked some sense into me, which is kind of embarrassing, how they'd have to console me when they shouldn't be consoling me at all. it makes me cringe how suddenly i was this pathetic person whose disappointment is slowly consuming her. ugh. my brother was right for the first time! i was a loser. well now i can say i'm over it (so i guess i'm not a loser anymore? =P) i told myself time and again that it wasn't meant for me. even if i stayed a few minutes more to contemplate on that problem i wasn't able to solve, i still wouldn't have arrived at the solution (it's the concrete mix problem, would you believe? =S) that i can say because the solution didn't pop into my head until the next morning. =P i just didn't know it's a bit difficult to accept when you're this close to having it. BUT! omnia in bonum - everything for the good. i trust that God has more important and beautiful things in store for us, and that He has blessed us with more than enough, and it doesn't even need to be prestige. the important thing is that we're engineers now. our efforts were not in vain. hey, i became an engineer at 21! that's my only goal then anyway. :D

so celebrate with me friends and fellow engineers *wink, wink* oath taking on my birthday, dinner's on me! drop me a line ;)

the leaving song

2006-10-23T05:36:00.000-07:00

well i've been bleeding well from this old wound
cleaning it with salt, so it will still feel new
and sometimes eyes turn black, and sometimes scars are tracks
but every time you're gone, i wish that you'd come back

and everyone watched me waste myself
and everyone cheered at last
and all of them found it comforting
it's better it's me, than them

i think i'm doing well from what they say
they've taken both my belt and shoelaces away
well i believe in luck... i think i do
well i'd believe for sure, if ever i saw you

well i've been fanning flames from these old coals
feeding them with tinder, and hoping they will grow
well i've been savoring what i can't hold
a blind belief in goodness that doesn't seem to show

:+:

well you know me, i'm always chasing the ghost of a good thing =/

somebody's saturday girl, but not tonight

2006-10-14T04:53:00.000-07:00

i'm listening to nite live again - something i haven't done for quite a long while. raymund and i used to spend saturdays just listening to it, singing our hearts out. i dunno why we don't do it anymore. we got busy i guess.

well i miss it. especially since this saturday's a bit lonelier than usual. he can't be here, just when i'm back home. he had to be somewhere else. :(

oh well. (why do i keep saying that lately??)

being away from home's just probably taking its toll on me. oh well.

so get back, back, back to where we lasted
just like I imagine
i could never feel this way
so get back, back, back to the disaster
my heart's beating faster
holding on to feel the same

i really wish you were here :(

everyday is a sunday evening

2006-10-01T08:22:00.000-07:00

you know that feeling you get on a sunday? where you just had the whole day to yourself and it's been great, and then you remember you have to go to school the next day, and it ruins the rest of the night. i have to go home tomorrow, and so i've got that feeling. it's like sunday night. - peyton, one tree hill

sundays... i'm not very fond of them. as a kid, i thought my birthday wouldn't ever fall on a sunday. i used to think that since misa de gallo starts on my birthday, it can't be a sunday because otherwise, there'd be 2 different mass celebrations. and... it just can't. sunday is when you cram your homework and not for celebrating your single most-awaited day of the year. and luckily for me, my birthday had always eluded sundays (as far as i can remember). until i turned 17. i realized now the reason i got "lucky" is because of leap years. so yay for leap years! :D (btw, i've just learned recently that i was in fact born on a sunday! some paradox. :D)

so anyway, when i heard peyton said this, i was in awe - because somebody has just described so vividly the exact feeling i get on a sunday evening. actually, that feeling had been out of my system for quite some time already. i guess i've learned to cherish sundays more, and all the other days that i get a break from school. :D but! i can just preempt that this somber-sunday-night-feeling would resurface and i would be one sad kid again when sunday comes. that's because i'd be living away from home for a while, to lock myself in some place where there's no tv and internet. board exam's only a month away, and i just can't afford to get distracted, especially with the pace i'm studying. so please pray for me, that i don't get homesick and flee back to my mom. =S and that we pass the board too. :D

*sigh* can't wait to get this over with. i'd really love to go to the beach or hike or something once this is through. and maybe my sundays would be okay again.

but until then, i would have to remind myself that "for as long as we are wayfarers, it is precisely in suffering that our happiness lies." -st. josemaria escriva (the way: 217)