Friday, November 06, 2009

dreams and memoirs

remember: the tragedy of life is not what we lose, but what we miss. - paulo coelho

i've been quite bothered about something lately and i'm not sure if i should blog about it. i've had an ugly experience with blogging before, especially when one's in a vulnerable state. i'm not talking about myself - it was actually someone's post about me. anyway, i don't think i'm vulnerable now. i was, a couple of weeks back, but thankfully i was preparing for something really important then and couldn't just afford to write or get distracted about other stuff. right now, i guess i'm as sober as i'll ever be, so here goes...

some weeks ago i had this dream about someone. in the dream, i chose him and i've never felt happier and free. then i had another dream about him, we were on a date and it ended in an escalator scene. the escalator was long and steep, and i remember being scared to go down. and that was it. freud says dreams are manifestations of your inner desires. i don't agree totally, but i believe dreams are representations of things that are in the recesses of our minds. anyway, as you can probably imagine, i was so hung up for a few days (i dreamt of these on 2 consecutive nights), and i started to wonder what these dreams were telling me.

i thought about how "we" ended. there was really no "us" but i loved him dearly, and i'm sure he loved me more. as i recount what happened, i realized that there really is nothing else i can do. i had my chance and i blew it. i mustered enough courage to "win" him back, but it's simply not the same anymore. feelings change, as do people.

so i lost.

it was a tough reality to accept, but in retrospect, even if i knew that i'd lose, i would've done it still. at least i wouldn't be flooded with what if's, knowing that i did what i can. heartbreaks happen, but we move on.

i'm a happy kid now. when i saw this tweet from paulo coelho, i felt lucky that i didn't experience the "tragedy of life" despite losing something i really wanted. and i realized i'm exactly where i should be, with the person who loves me despite my many imperfections. :) love is not a feeling, it resides in the will - i should remind myself of that more often.

and hopefully none of these haunting dreams anymore. :D