Thursday, February 17, 2011

sleepless nights + gloomy weather = bad

i feel like a zombie these days. i've been having trouble sleeping for about 2 or 3 weeks now i think. it started with a creepy dream. i won't elaborate cos saying it out loud or writing about it kind of gives me the heebie jeebies. :-s anyway, i've had horrible, horrible nightmares (is that way too redundant?). when i told other people about my dreams, they found it too creepy too. imagine having to wake up with a vivid memory of it. it reminds me of lois lowry's 'the giver' and how he had to endure memories, feelings or knowledge of terrible things. anyway... i think i have an ESP or something. okay, let me rephrase that to make it sound less silly: i think i often encounter coincidences between things happening in my head and things happening in real life. like my dreams for instance... i remember at least 3 creepy dreams that sort of happened days after i had them or at the same time i had the dream. i remember telling my mom how scared i was about this one dream i had, and when i went home to the philippines last Christmas, she said that she was actually creeped out when i told her about it cos it was exactly what was happening at the time, and she didn't want to tell me cos i was living alone by myself and she didn't want to scare me.

okay, enough with the scary part. now, about lack of sleep. it sucks that it was at a very "inopportune" time that this whole insomnia thing had to happen to me, cos it was during our midterms. people who probably have never suffered insomnia think that getting yourself worn out can make you pass out, and i know they mean well when they suggest things for me to do. i've done all of those, but i think (or rather, i know) for me, it's more psychological, like being anxious about not getting enough sleep, that in the end makes me lose more sleep. i missed a couple of morning classes and now i had to ask for help from our TA even though i prefer not to. i don't like having to waste people's time especially if they apparently don't have a lot of it.

anyway. lying in bed for 3 to 4 hours before getting a shut-eye makes me think of a lot of things, like my parents and how life was before i came here. i miss my family so much that it sometimes makes me break down (plus the fact that i get frustrated about not being able to sleep even when i'm already dead tired). i miss my mom. the first time i had been 'permanently' away from my mom, i cried buckets. i slept in the same room as my mom until i was 23, believe it or not. :D it surprises other people how i was able to live 'independently' in singapore when i had been sort of sheltered the whole time. even my dad thought i couldn't pull it through. but of course, raymund played a big role in helping me 'grow up'. i miss my dad too, and raymund, how they used to tuck me to sleep and brush my hair until i doze off, and now i only have myself. :(

i know there's a trade off in everything. and i always believe in the saying 'omnia in bonum' - all things for the good. i also believe that we are where we're needed most, though maybe at this time i don't know yet how that is for me (okay, don't cringe i know this is sounding a bit emo now). but i'm thankful for everything. being alone makes me realize a lot of things i would otherwise have overlooked from being too complacent. i didn't know how happy i was in singapore until i see things that remind me of it, simple things like fish & co and pearly soya milk and the beach. but everyone has to step out of his comfort zone once in a while. it's all part of the grand scheme of things, so they say.

it's so gloomy outside. normally i would enjoy this weather (think happy memories of grade school, when it's raining hard and classes were cancelled), with a hot chocolate and a good book in hand. but i have a lot of things to do. it didn't help that i realized after submitting my midterm today that i kind of screwed up something in my calcs - and this was for my favorite class ever, even though i know how to solve the problem perfectly well. that made me really feel awful and now the weather matched my mood. my parents would always tell me not to put too much pressure on myself but sometimes i can't help it. i know i should be satisfied just by the fact that i learned something even if it doesn't necessarily translate to high grades, as my parents would say, but i still get frustrated and i kind of need some time to snap out of it. i told my friend i wanted to stuff myself with fries even though i'd feel horrible afterwards. i'm glad i didn't, i have enough will power after all. eating fries is really not worth it. it's like a sin that would haunt you until you go to confession. :P

i'm off to a happy place later (well at least for my friend it is a happy place) - starbucks, to get some work done. we all have to cope, right? :D now i'm doing my laundry cos it's kind of therapeutic for me, and will just cook myself some bacon and eggs (breakfast for dinner!) to cheer me up. :)