Friday, November 19, 2010

Friday Blues

I used to be really happy on Fridays. Popeye's. Pastamania. Fish & Co. East Coast Park. Random Japanese resto. Rented movies and pizza deliveries. I perfectly understood the beauty of the expression TGIF.

I wish I can also say that right now. Instead, I spend my Fridays going online, eating noodles (my current comfort food), and watching tv series. The first time I ever went out of campus on a Friday night was last week (see photo below). I'm seriously grateful to have friends to go out with. That obviously doesn't happen often. And on weeks that I'm alone, I try to remind myself why I'm here in the first place. Or how happy I was when I received my acceptance letter from my current school.
So yeah, if you haven't heard from me for the longest time and have no idea where I am, I'm in the US, trying to chase my dream. I've always wanted to pursue MS, eventually go back home, teach for a living, and inspire others to work in the field I'm in. Oh, let's not forget the quaint little cafe that I plan to co-own with my crazy friend. I know this won't happen in the next 3 (or maybe even 5) years, but I'm already itching to reach that end.

They say a lot of things can happen in a short span of time. I'm not a big fan of changes but I kind of promised to go out of my comfort zone if a big opportunity comes along. And an opportunity to study abroad, in THE best school for environmental engineering (at least according to this), was one that I can't pass up. I must admit, amid the stress of being alone in a foreign country and from trying to digest all the lessons taught in the 5 classes I'm taking this quarter, there were times when I've asked myself why I ever decided to go back to school. I know the answer to that of course. But I need reminders every once in a while.

Another thing that's been ringing in my head lately is this quote from one of my favorite authors, F. Scott Fitzgerald (The Beautiful and Damned):

"Things are sweeter when they're lost. I know - because once I wanted something and got it. It was the only thing I ever wanted badly, Dot. And when I got it, it turned to dust in my hands... I've often thought that if I hadn't got what I wanted, things might have been different with me. I might have found something in my mind and enjoyed putting it in circulation. I might have been content with the work of it, and had some sweet vanity out of the success. I suppose that at one time I could have had anything I wanted, within reason, but that was the only thing I ever wanted with any fervor. And that taught me you can't have anything, you can't have anything at all."

I don't really intend on elaborating why this quote's been in my head for quite a while now, because I probably don't have a clear answer to that to begin with. But I guess it has something to do with actually having achieved things and realizing that "it's like a sunbeam" (I'll leave that to you to figure out - you should read the book or at least the following lines in that excerpt to understand! :D) vs. the planning process on how one tries to achieve them. I might be in a confused (i.e., second-guessing) state brought about by my own defense mechanism. Most people I know here have already had their breakdowns and I guess this was my version of it. But I'm pretty sure my dreams haven't changed (and I'm not just talking about school and career), and from when I last checked, I'm still on track.
Anyway, so now you know how one of my Fridays in grad school was spent - blogging. I look forward to better Fridays, with a night out on the town, eating Japanese food, sipping hot chocolate, movies and popcorn... I could go on forever.
Until then I have to motivate myself to study for the finals, eeeep! Maybe after watching a few episodes of 30 Rock while eating dirty chips and noodles (read: my Friday dinner). :)