Saturday, January 17, 2009

melt your headaches, call it home

a couple of months ago, i cited a particular song which i thought was my theme song for this place, and it was because these lines used to ring in my head:

cause i don't want you to know where i am,
cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been,
this is no place to try and live my life.

emo much? well good thing i don't really feel that way anymore.

recently, i saw crazy's post about leaving home, and i was saddened when i got to this line:

once you leave, every place and every bed becomes a hotel rather than a home, a transit point in an endless journey towards an unknown destination.

and it wasn't because i agree with that idea - it's because i don't. it dawned on me that somehow i've already let go of this feeling of missing home and that makes me sad. well, either way - missing home, or realizing that you don't miss home anymore - is just plain sad. at least for me.

i remember telling a friend once, that i hope he'd always miss me, and that he'd never get used to me not being there. personally, i also don't want to get used to being away from my family, despite knowing that it's hard missing someone everyday. but i guess it's inevitable, it's like a defense mechanism, that you'd be able to adjust eventually and then, everything's okay. not exactly great, but okay.

when i came back home last month for the holidays, i didn't really get to go out much. i don't have someone i could drag along with me anywhere i want, and it's not safe to go alone, so i was pretty much a homebody, which is fine because i like being home too. but the thing is, it's not just any ordinary day as if i still live there - i was just there for a vacation and my vacation was fleeting.

i did enjoy seeing my family, my aunts and cousins, my friends - i'd say i would still deem it priceless to be with them. but i could be with them anywhere, and it doesn't necessarily have to be the philippines. like catching fall out boy's concert, for instance. i missed it 2 years ago, but they'll be having a concert here in feb - which i might miss again (it's on a tuesday night and raymund won't go with me unless i pay for his ticket. and then i saw another event on the ticket website - disney on ice: princess wishes - how could i pass?). but the point is, they'll be coming here too. :D

crazy said change is a beautiful thing. perhaps. although i may still beg to differ every now and then. being back here after my trip, i realized that my life is here now, and i might as well call this home. i still like to have that feeling of wanting to go back and settling there when i have a family of my own. but until that feeling comes back, i shall continue blazing my own trail - here. :)