Tuesday, March 29, 2011


Reading Haruki Murakami's "What I Talk About When I Talk About Running" while on a short getaway at The Farm at San Benito.

"Somerset Maugham once wrote that in each shave lies a philosophy. I couldn’t agree more. No matter how mundane some action might appear, keep at it long enough and it becomes a contemplative, even meditative act."

I used to run with my blockmates around Acad Oval at UP back in college. I'm not really a runner - I don't run marathons - but I like running. It clears my head, as I often say.

These are where I've run in the last three years.

Pasir Ris Park

Queenstown Stadium

By the Kallang River (The Concourse to Esplanade)

Along East Coast Park

Stanford Track

"I know we'll make it anywhere, away from here." - Run, Snow Patrol

Friday, March 25, 2011

big gesture

Of course, you are incapable of doing things like that. I'm not surprised, I've known you for too long.

I'm glad you admitted that you weren't ready. I'm not either. But I would be if you are. But you still have a long way to go. And I'm not sure if I'll still be there by then.

I know, we're just like old friends
We just can't pretend
That lovers make amends
We are reasons so unreal
We can't help but feel
That something has been lost

But please
You know you're just like me
Next time I promise we'll be perfect

...if there ever is a next time.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

spring break

it's the first day of doing nothing. i woke up at past 12 noon, but that's still not good enough cos i slept at around 4am. this would only last a week, then it's back to the grind.

the quarter has been tough for me. i took 16 units, like i did in fall. i thought i'd have it easier than last time but the classes were a tad more difficult. plus i had a lot going on. i'd have to remind myself that there'll always be 'contingencies', though it's not like i can really prepare for them anyway.

it's funny how i never had the time to talk to a psychiatrist (which a lot of people had suggested me to do), but i write more often in this blog now. i used to post only once a month... then my insomnia happened, and some emotional baggage that comes with living alone. i find it crazy sometimes, how i just start tearing up while trying to study at that depressing spot in green lib. i'm in my own cubicle and no one could see me so i guess it's okay. but still! i just know i used to be NOT like that. and no, it's never about academics. i've convinced myself not to worry about grades, but only about whether i'm actually learning. but i'd be so happy if i get all A's. not gonna happen. so i'd rephrase that and say that i'd be ecstatic if i don't get a B+ or below. sorry, i don't mean to talk about grades. moving on...

i kind of want to go to LA and visit my aunt. but i knew i won't be able to wake up at 5am and go on a 5 or 6-hr drive down south with amanda (especially since i fell asleep at 4am, i could actually hear people leaving their apartments, probably on their way to the airport). my aunt was the one who helped me get settled here. she bought me a lot of stuff - kitchenwares, bed sheets, etc, etc. she took care of me for the 1st 2 weeks i've been in the US. she's my godmother, a very generous person. she bought me my 1st polly pocket when i was a kid. people close to me would know how my aunts are a very big part of my life. i won't even start on how lucky i am (and my cousins) to have them cos that would just make me tear up even more. i'm sad right now because of some stuff going on with her but i can't really share it here (i don't really know who reads my posts except for the few friends who know about this blog ever since i put it up years ago). all i want is for me to have a chance to be the one to provide them a comfortable life this time. too bad i still have a quarter left and i can't start working just yet.

contingencies - that seems to be the word for the day today. i wrote in an essay before, how i kind of knew even when i was younger, what i wanted to do with my life. it hasn't changed very much. i'd still want to do engineering (i'm already an engineer!), i'd still want to get married and be a mom. i remember asking my college crush what age he wants to get married (not to me of course, just a random question!) and he said 23. he's turning 27 and he's still not married. he's not even in a relationship. everytime we see each other (which is like once a year) i remind him that. he's not waiting for me is he (i'm kidding!)? anyway, my point is, circumstances change, and so do people (as i've said before). i thought it would be nice to get married at 26, to work only for 5 years then settle down and be a housewife. :P i'm already 26 and still not engaged. a lot of people around me, even classmates that are younger than me, already are. but i'm okay with it. right now, with the things going on around me, i don't even know where i'll be after grad or if i'll get married next year or the year after that. i definitely won't propose to anyone, that's for sure! people ask me if i'll be staying here in the US. not too sure about that, or if i want to. i had a long talk with my aunt last night and i guess i know where i should be, and try hard to get there. so the plans i have for myself would have to take a back seat.

deep breath. someone told me to take deep breaths and let it take toxins out with it. it's helped me a lot, in calming myself down and keeping myself from hyperventilating or having anxiety attacks. :D some friends think i'm quite calm for a person taking a full load. i can't really say. i kind of caused my parents to worry a lot about me this quarter and that's not good. anyway, glad that's over. what i learned from it is that, just as in running, breathing techniques help with one's endurance.

now, spring break! stuff to do: evaluate courses, clean my apartment, run a lot, take pictures, cook healthy dishes, catch up on my reading, and enjoy napa!

oh yeah, i'm back to reading murakami again: hard-boiled wonderland and the end of the world. timely, huh?

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

sami and porcupine

I miss my cousins Sam and Nathan. I love looking at these photos, taken a few Christmases ago.

They were so cute. They're growing too fast and I feel sad that I only see them occasionally. Sigh. 3 more months and I'm going home! For now, 3 more exams left and Friday I'll be one happy clam... hopefully frolicking on the beach!

Saturday, March 12, 2011

dear crazy #3

i haven't written you a letter in a while. i'm glad you saw me online in gmail. i've never been so happy to hear that you're okay. i know it's heartbreaking, the things that happened before your eyes. i've seen the pictures, and they tug at my heartstrings. you've probably cried more than i did.

earthquakes. did you ever think you'd study earthquake engineering when you were a kid? i can't remember what your childhood dream was, or if we ever talked about it, but i guess even when we were still in UP you probably didn't think you'd end up with a doctorate in that field. i'm scared of earthquakes, they bring back bad memories of me being worried sick about my mom. july 16, how could i forget... i was 5. i've always associated something apocalyptic with that date. it's my grade school's foundation day, the feast day of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel. although i know that that earthquake doesn't compare to what you experienced in japan a couple of days ago.

i hope you'll get some rest crazy, i know it's hard to sleep when you're anxious all the time. but try not to be. daniel told me this just a few weeks back when we were talking about my insomnia and i hope it would be helpful to you too: "leave your anxiety on the foot of Our Lord's cross and entrust the future to Him, somebody told me that once during extremely uncertain times". there, i copy-pasted it from gmail. :D JAPAN - just always pray at night - remember? it sounds funny now, i don't know if you used to write that acronym in slambooks when you were younger. i wrote that when i got nothing to say, along with HOLLAND, ITALY and other cheesy stuff. but i digress... i'd say pray not just at night, but anytime you feel like talking to someone about your 'joys and tribulations'.

crazy, i just remembered that one time we went to church together. ash wednesday some years ago. i was so happy that you joined me, and even happier that you liked the homily. keep the faith. let's pray hard for japan to recover. and that nothing bad happens to the philippines too. sometimes it sucks to be in the pacific ring of fire. but there are trade-offs as always.

i know you love japan dearly, and i love it too. i love a lot of things japanese. i have fond memories from grade school - getting home and finding a bunch of sanrio stickers from my grandaunt in japan. i'm fascinated by its history, japanese food which i often crave, murakami, and the warm japanese people i've met. i wonder how they are now. but i guess most of what i like about it are superficial (save for the few people i made friends with)... i know you have a lot more to love about it since you've been there for more than 3 years now. you are turning more japanese each day. :)

hang tough crazy. japan needs earthquake engineers like you. i'll be in the background praying for you, as always. we'll still have our dream cafe ok! ;)

ps: i just remembered a line from a song as i was walking home, and i thought since i couldn't say it earlier before i logged out, i'd say it now...
"and if i don't make it known that i loved you all along, just like sunny days that we ignored..." so just thought i'd let you know. heehee. :) tc!


Thursday, March 10, 2011


the saddest song don't ya think?

i decided to treat myself to watching glee tonight while doing my laundry. and that scene with holly, brittany and santana just moved me to tears, as it usually did whenever i hear this song. i love the smashing pumpkins version, btw. but glee did a pretty awesome cover too.

i went to confession a few days ago and had one of the most enlightening talks i've had in a long time. i'd say it's probably better than talking to a psychiatrist, but i've never been to one, so i can't really tell. but i've always found talking to priests sort of uplifting.

remember how i often say we are where we're needed most? i guess that's making more sense to me now. i kind of forgot how to be happy where i am - at present, while being engrossed about planning or being excited for the future, and i guess i have to work on that more.

that said, maybe i should stop listening to this kind of songs and switch to cheery tunes for a change. hmm...

well i've been afraid of changing... :p

Monday, March 07, 2011

virtual post-it

Just thought of posting a very short entry, just to make me remember certain things.

Market - while I was doing my part of the Ciathure report (one of the options involved adding a public tap to the market), I suddenly remembered Elias Market in Pasir Ris. I loved going there, cos they have mostly everything... that was before we discovered Sheng Siong.

Being in a different part of the world somehow makes me forget these simple routine stuff I used to do.

I sort of want to go back but I can't. I wonder if going back would make me sad instead of happy. Memories are traitors they say. I can picture myself going back to East Coast Park, jogging by the beach with music blasting through my earphones. I can picture myself being sad about why I even left... But hopefully not.

I'd always love to go grocery shopping with you, cook dinner, watch a movie, spend lazy nights at the beach, sit on the breakwater, and wake up early just to go there again. I hope I don't forget.